I know its hard to understand but I experience the full emotions of grief every 6 weeks of so. I experience the complete sense of loss of hope and need to grieve. I grieve my hope. I get angry at myself for allowing myself to hope. I declare, I am infertile. Then I say, no, there is nothing wrong with me. Its a see-saw, up and down. I don’t want to get attached to an outcome, but how I not be excited and be hopeful?
Crap. I think I’m finally feeling it today. The baby pictures are getting to me. I swore I wouldn’t be one of those people but today I feel like I’m crumbling. I’m sorry. I don’t want to take away anyone’s joy and happiness in this moment, but this push of pushing through everything just got to me today. I don’t want to push, I really want to take your advice of “just relax”…..why can’t I just relax? No, really, I love your baby photos I just want one of my own. I know you are tired and have not slept in days, but honestly, I would like to be part of your club. Please don’t tell me how lucky I am to not have kids. You know how hard that is to hear? It breaks me. It shatters me. Then I get mad at you that you are not appreciating what you have.
Shit, today I’ve become one of the ladies from the support group. A complete victim.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this…..I can get myself out of this hole.
Every baby announcement. Every baby shower. Every baby that cries. Every baby that smiles. Every baby… reminds of what we are doing. I really don’t want it, but today, it does. Today I feel the struggle.
I’m at such a loss of what else I could be doing.
- I’ve seen the specialized naturopath
- I’ve taken the thousand pills as prescribed by the naturopath
- I’m going to acupuncture
- I’m creating a bedroom of fertility and love with symbols of creation as sent by a friend of mine as a suggestion
- I’m doing functional medicine
- Every night now we are talking to the ovaries and said reproductive organs to just aim and fire
I’m at my wits end….what have you done that I have not? Why can people who don’t want to get pregnant get pregant.
There are millions of sperm, for heavens sakes it only takes one. Lets go fellas! We just need one of you. Just one!!!! Keep on swimming!!
Today has been a day of feeling low and all my fears coming up. Am I ready to do this. Am I supposed to do this. This is the day of darkness. What else am I NOT doing? Is my soul aligned? Am I breathing right? Maybe should be going to those yoga classes. Maybe I should be doing more acupuncture. WHAT THE HELL!!!
Now I’m getting the comments of:
- “just relax”, you’ll be fine.
- Just feel optimistic and have a positive mind-set.
- Just meditate, this will help
- Just surrender to the journey it’s not yours to decide
- Just be patient
- You want kids, are you sure about that, take mine.
- You are not using the right positions
At least I have not got the “Maybe you should think about adopting”, thanks, do you have another $35,000 dollars?
I’m puking out positive mind-set and relaxing. Today is feel like shit day.
My ego is saying to me, “what if this doesn’t work”, “you need a back up plan”, “what if you run out of time on your leave”, what if….what if…..what if……Just shut up in there.
I’ve gone through the hardest treatments I never imagined having to go through. Things that I don’t wish upon ANYONE. Through hundreds of tests, procedures, surgeries, needles, shots and prayers.
The voice of doubt is terrible.
Last minute I text Saviour Stephanie for acupuncture. For a spiritual connection that I’m missing from the clinic. In the hour session which I’m usually able to sink into and just relax, it took 45 minutes for my mind to let go of all the monkey thoughts.
But I feel like I’ve now done everything I could possibly could do and I’m tired.
Its been over three years on this full journey and now an intense 7 months of full-out commitment to The Clinic. We are talking YEARS if you count the first time I went to The Clinic. It has taken a lot from to surrender to The Clinic and be OK with all of this poking and prodding. I’m so done now. Can something be easy, just a little bit? I know you are teaching me patience. I know it will be hard with kids and this will seem easy once I’m over this hump.
Please Universe. I beg you. Show some mercy and let something be easy. Please just work with me here. Lets aim and work together for Spring 2017.
I know, it’s not up to me, but I’m setting up the intention. I’m doing what I was taught. So fucking frustrating.
Why do I have to be a statistic?!
Universe, Power of all dimensions, all beings that we see and not see, please help. Work with me. I think I’m balanced about all this and I don’t wake with “children” being my first thought. I’m so sorry for putting all those women down. Please just embrace me in your love.
I know, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON: Even if you don’t see the reason for a long…long… long time.
But today I just fall to my knees with tears in my eyes, please let this come naturally and easily. Please…..
No more needles. No more ultra sounds. No more 8am clinic visits. No more of this.
Just good news.