No more needles! No more ultra sounds! No more 8am clinic visits! No more of this! Please make this STOP.

I know its hard to understand but I experience the full emotions of grief every 6 weeks of so. I experience the complete sense of loss of hope and need to grieve. I grieve my hope. I get angry at myself for allowing myself to hope. I declare, I am infertile. Then I say, no, there is nothing wrong with me. Its a see-saw, up and down. I don’t want to get attached to an outcome, but how I not be excited and be hopeful?

Crap. I think I’m finally feeling it today. The baby pictures are getting to me. I swore I wouldn’t be one of those people but today I feel like I’m crumbling. I’m sorry. I don’t want to take away anyone’s joy and happiness in this moment, but this push of pushing through everything just got to me today. I don’t want to push, I really want to take your advice of “just relax”…..why can’t I just relax? No, really, I love your baby photos I just want one of my own. I know you are tired and have not slept in days, but honestly, I would like to be part of your club. Please don’t tell me how lucky I am to not have kids. You know how hard that is to hear? It breaks me. It shatters me. Then I get mad at you that you are not appreciating what you have.

Shit, today I’ve become one of the ladies from the support group. A complete victim.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this…..I can get myself out of this hole.

Every baby announcement. Every baby shower. Every baby that cries. Every baby that smiles. Every baby… reminds of what we are doing. I really don’t want it, but today, it does. Today I feel the struggle.

ecards-fertility

I’m at such a loss of what else I could be doing.

  • I’ve seen the specialized naturopath
  • I’ve taken the thousand pills as prescribed by the naturopath
  • I’m going to acupuncture
  • I’m creating a bedroom of fertility and love with symbols of creation as sent by a friend of mine as a suggestion
  • I’m doing functional medicine
  • Every night now we are talking to the ovaries and said reproductive organs to just aim and fire

I’m at my wits end….what have you done that I have not? Why can people who don’t want to get pregnant get pregant. 

There are millions of sperm, for heavens sakes it only takes one. Lets go fellas! We just need one of you. Just one!!!! Keep on swimming!!

Today has been a day of feeling low and all my fears coming up. Am I ready to do this. Am I supposed to do this. This is the day of darkness. What else am I NOT doing? Is my soul aligned? Am I breathing right? Maybe should be going to those yoga classes. Maybe I should be doing more acupuncture. WHAT THE HELL!!!

Now I’m getting the comments of:

  • “just relax”, you’ll be fine.
  • Just feel optimistic and have a positive mind-set.
  • Just meditate, this will help
  • Just surrender to the journey it’s not yours to decide
  • Just be patient
  • You want kids, are you sure about that, take mine.
  • You are not using the right positions

At least I have not got the “Maybe you should think about adopting”, thanks, do you have another $35,000 dollars?

I’m puking out positive mind-set and relaxing. Today is feel like shit day.

My ego is saying to me, “what if this doesn’t work”, “you need a back up plan”, “what if you run out of time on your leave”, what if….what if…..what if……Just shut up in there.

I’ve gone through the hardest treatments I never imagined having to go through. Things that I don’t wish upon ANYONE. Through hundreds of tests, procedures, surgeries, needles, shots and prayers.

The voice of doubt is terrible.

Last minute I text Saviour Stephanie for acupuncture. For a spiritual connection that I’m missing from the clinic. In the hour session which I’m usually able to sink into and just relax, it took 45 minutes for my mind to let go of all the monkey thoughts.

But I feel like I’ve now done everything I could possibly could do and I’m tired.

Its been over three years on this full journey and now an intense 7 months of full-out commitment to The Clinic. We are talking YEARS  if you count the first time I went to The Clinic. It has taken a lot from to surrender to The Clinic and be OK with all of this poking and prodding. I’m so done now. Can something be easy, just a little bit? I know you are teaching me patience. I know it will be hard with kids and this will seem easy once I’m over this hump.

Please Universe. I beg you. Show some mercy and let something be easy. Please just work with me here. Lets aim and work together for Spring 2017.

I know, it’s not up to me, but I’m setting up the intention. I’m doing what I was taught. So fucking frustrating.

Why do I have to be a statistic?!

Universe, Power of all dimensions, all beings that we see and not see, please help. Work with me. I think I’m balanced about all this and I don’t wake with “children” being my first thought. I’m so sorry for putting all those women down. Please just embrace me in your love.

I know, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON: Even if you don’t see the reason for a long…long… long time.

But today I just fall to my knees with tears in my eyes, please let this come naturally and easily. Please…..

No more needles. No more ultra sounds. No more 8am clinic visits. No more of this.

Just good news.

 

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IVF Part two – day of procedure

There are a few dates in during this fertility process I wont forget. I connect time with these dates, as everything else feels like a blur. 
  1. December 2014
    First monitored cycle by the clinic that was without any drugs
  2. August 2015
    The British Colombia canoe trip that changed my life and my job
  3. September 2015
    The new job and me falling apart and crying for three days
  4. Spring 2016
    Declaring and surrending to the fact that I want to ask for help from the clinic
  5. Aug. 2016
    First IUI that got cancelled and a full committment to the clinic
  6. October 25 2016
    I get granted a medical leave from work and I’m free from the constraints of asking for time off. I feel elated and so eternally grateful to Mrs. M for seeing that I needed this leave to just focus completely on my health
  7. December 19, 2016
    The day of the IVF
  8. January 9th, the day of the follow up after IVF

This date I won’t forget, December 19.

It’s a Monday and right before Christmas. I wake up and I’m in pain because the amount of fluid and large follicles in my ovaries is immense. This morning I have 25 follicles. That means TWENTY-FIVE eggs when usually women have just one mature egg. The majority of these eggs are mature.

Husband gets up before me and is buzzing around making coffee and tea. I’m feeling nervous but fully centred as well as I can’t believe this day has come. The morning in the house seems like a blur. I pet and hug the dog leaving her snuggled in the wraps of the duvet. I ask her soul to send her unconditional love towards her expanding family.

At 6am we I get into the car. I have hard time getting and walking.

As we drive towards the clinic…..

Every.

Single.

Bump.

Hurts. 

Agonizing pain

Husband is in full take care mode.

As we walk into the building, I see one of the ladies from the clinic in the foyer. She looks at me and I excitedly tell her its time for IVF. She was one of the ones that saw me when I cracked and was sobbing uncontrollably in the clinic in November after the failed IUI.

Instead of turning left as we get out of the elevator, we turn right, to the state of the art IVF centre. One of the only clinics in Toronto to have the IVF operating rooms and embryology lab in the same building.

I am feeling just fine and see Mama Doula  Acupuncture-ist *Saya. I’m so happy to see her because she knows her way around the operating room and space. I had met with her a few days before as I wanted to get acupuncture before the procedure, because its said to have a good outcome and relaxes the person. I get changed into the infamous blue gown and sit/lie down on my chair. Saya puts in the acupuncture needles in and I’m feeling relaxed.

Warning a bit graphic….
The nurses buzz in and out. One of them tries to put in the IV into one arm. Nothing. She tries again. Nothing. Still can’t get it in. At this point I can feel a bit of panic coming up as she tries to manoeuver the needle and find the vein. She walks over to the other arm, and I’m starting to get dizzy and feel like I’m about to black out. The nurse calls another nurse in and they both try. By this point, I’m like, please stop, this isn’t working. I have stars in front of my eyes and I feel a wash of coldness run through my body and I descend to panic attack mode.

Seeing me like this the nurses stop and Saya buzzes around me trying to comfort me. I’m shaking like a leaf from the experience. Digging into your vein with a needle is a disconcerting experience.

Finally I see my saviour. One of the vampire ladies. The Blood ladies. The one that take my blood every time I come to the clinic and do an ultrasound. She looks at me and the nurses explain what she is supposed to do. Finally with some pushing and prodding she finds the vein. My blood vessels collapsed after so much blood had been taken out of them over the last few weeks.

I was clearly shaken up and was so grateful again to have someone who is like a Doula be the in between person for us, the nurses and doctor. Mama Doula Saya not only takes care of me but Husband too who I can sense is a little lost as this too is all new for him.

I’m given  pain medication and sedatives into the IV.

I was then walked to the washroom and then the operating room where Dr. B. was waiting with the nurses. I lied down on the table, feet up in the stools and got ready. There was a monitor and Husband said he watched everything with fascination. I was supposed to be awake for the procedure but because of my trauma I just couldn’t do it and I was in a lot of pain with the over stuffed ovaries. Dr. B decided it was better to give me more medication and I no recollection of the procedure.

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Post IVF procedure.

That is not a bloody "PROCEDURE" its an OPERATION. Who ever called it a 
procedure lied!

When I woke up one hour later, I felt like a truck had run over me. I have no other way of describing it. I felt like I had been in some kind of car crash and hurt all over. I was also shaking. Mama Doula quickly found more blankets for me and gave me more acupunture needles.

I felt like I was in some kind of shock and quickly told Husband to take a picture because I need to remember this moment and show everyone what IVF actually looks like.

In the past, when I had heard someone say that they are doing IVF, I would turn to them and say, “good luck with that”. Fuck no. Its more than good luck. Its more holy moly you are brave. I may not have felt brave that morning, but after it was all done I was feeling damn brave. All of THIS for a child. The sacrificing starts now.

This is why it took me so long to have gotten to that space be able to do this. My soul knew I had to be ready to take this on as this procedure to so invasive.

After we went home, I just slept and then put castor oil on my stomach which had inflated and bloated. I was bloated for the next three days but had booked an acupuncture with my saviour Stephanie for two days after the procedure. Again, she saved me. What also saved me was the day after the IVF I went in to a friends retail store to do a work. This caused me to walk the whole day and be on my feet. At first I had thought this was crazy, but it actually turned out to be better to be moving than lying and sleeping.

The nurses orders were to eat lots of salt which included salty chips to take down the bloating which is why I sent Husband to the grocery store to get some chips and Cheetos.

That same day we got a phone call from The Clinic that said out of the 13 eggs removed, 7 had fertalized.

Funny moment

I don’t eat chips, my preference is chocolate. 

I sent Husband to the grocery store and ask him to get me Kettle chips, the regular ones. Husband calls from the store and says, “there are no regular chips in Kettle chips and proceeds to read all of the type they have.
At one point he says “Sea Salt”.
I say, “those are the regular ones”.
Husband says, “but it doesn’t say regular on the package!”. 


Sources:
*Saya is not her real name
1. http://www.advancedfertility.com/aspiration.htm

Lead up to IVF part 1

MY FACE BOOK POST ON DEC. 19, 2016. 

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My husband giving me an injection in a washroom of a restaurant
img_1702
A few minutes post retrieval and me waking up

“One of the reasons I have  chosen to be open about IVF and the whole fertility process is because we don’t know…..We just don’t know what someone has gone through to start their family. Whether you are on the side that kids are not for everyone or that’s what you’ve always wanted. For me, it’s something that I’ve grown up into. The beautiful pics of bouncing kiddos – there is more to it than just the picture. I OWN this process. I know that for whatever reason I’m supposed to be going through all of this. One in six couples have trouble conceiving and that’s troubling. I question, why is that number so high?

I’ve seen really young early twenties to the mid thirties to older. It’s not just case of women just delaying their career. Don’t blame women. There can be no judgement how or why someone has decided to go through the fertility process. I’ve seen comments made that couples who do IVF are vain and just can’t accept their reality. Quite obvisouly this is such a ridiculous thing. This is not a “get a kid” quick scheme. Right now I’ve FULLY committed to this for the last 7 months and still nothing. 

Let me not lie. It’s not a walk in the park. Holy moly far from it. Once you go past the beginning stages of the fertility clinic, still invasive but nothing pales to IVF. It’s needles, ultrasounds (that a vaginal ultra sound every three days or less), more needles to take more blood almost everyday – Let me repeat, it’s a complete commitment.

The day of egg retrieval, the nurses couldn’t get an IV in me because my veins had collapsed because I’ve had blood taken out of me so many times. Anyone who is doing this isn’t vain or narsassistic they are brave and committed. Saying to someone like me “why don’t you adopt” or “maybe you were not supposed to have kids” isn’t the answer. You could be the one in six. I choose this or the process could have also chosen me.

If you meet that couple who has gone through all of this (and you will) empathy is required and an acknowledgement of their commitment. Tell them they are brave.


Continue reading “Lead up to IVF part 1”