My declaration of 3 years past and how I healed.

If you read my first post at the very bottom I describe a sort of spiritual awakening. It’s no coincidence that whist working with Sabrina Heartsong that the awakening of me thinking about that I could have a child with my husband entered my mind. I took one step forward and examined this with great curiosity. Full disclosure, up till this moment out of the fear of getting pregnant I never allowed any fun in the bedroom unless there was protection happening all the way around, although I have never in my life taken the pill. It was just all drug store protection.

Looking back now, it was that Christmas when dude’s family came from Europe when we one night giggling like children we cautioulsy declared to his family that starting from this Christmas we will start “trying” and with caution the family declared, “yay, congratulations”.

What family thought about the child thing….

When we got marriage, the typical barrage of questions about when we are having kids happened. Dude quickly helped stop those questions by saying, “We will have kids when you remember we can actually have them”. I even remember a situation where I was standing up in front Marcin’s family, while they all sat on a white sofa as I explained why three years into being married I was not going to have kids. I remember one person saying, “but your own children’s poo smells so nice”. God, what poo ever smells like roses? The worst poo is from solid food.

My own side of the family were not interested in being grandparents too quickly. The conversation never really came up. Rather, whenever it did, the question of who will get to see the grandkids the MOST was the topic and biggest concern. My answer to that was, whoever has the most amount of time, energy, and was interested. I don’t have time for competition and nonsense like this. This is a village. Get along!

Getting back  to trying…….

I can’t say that we actually initially really tried, I think I just stopped freaking out about the lack of protection. It took me a while to get over the whole wriggling sperm idea but Dude was so incredibly patient and non-judgemental (so not a typical macho man style) that I was able to relax.

Even in this initial declaration. I started warming up to the idea. I had to learn to say the word “pregnant” and “babies”. Even through my work with Sabrina, I couldn’t wrap my head around this idea that it could be me.

Guilt

I could see myself with an older child, but a baby and a child under the age of five? I even felt bad for wanting to have my own kids as there were so many I was in touch with through my job who just needed love and attention that how could I possibly bring another child into this world when there were others out there who wanted parents?!

I had so many fears.

At one point I was so convinced we would have a child with a disability that I had looked for a clinic that would do a full genetic test before even conception. I was convinced it would be autism and that it was all because of dude’s genetic make-up. I think was more so channelling the fears of someone else who had said this to me. They shall remain anonymous. But that comment hit me and cut me like a knife. It exasberated my fears. I can still picture this conversation and my body reacts to it with a shortening of my breath.

Having a child is one of the most random facts we could ever do. EVER. There is no control. I had to figure out how to reconcile all of this.

Sabrina helped me see, that I needed to create my reality like some of the principles of Law of Attraction. What is that I really wanted? What reality did I want to create? Was I willing to create without attachments of the outcome?

Don’t stress the “how” of things. Let the Universe do it for you. When you take the Universe’s job of worrying about the “how”, this says you lack faith and that you’re telling the Universe what to do when the Universe has far greater knowledge and power than human mankind.

“The more I chose to believe that the things I wanted were coming my way, the better I would feel. The better I would feel, the more I was allowing and the more things would come to me. The more you see these things coming to you, the better you will feel and it’s an incredible avalanche of awesomeness. Truly believe and allow”.

What you don't want, wants you more, than you want it.

disability

It didn’t help that I worked with kids who had autism and saw what the rest of the world didn’t see.

In the world of disability and families I saw how the parents were crushed by the never-ending appointments and their children. We hope we are not that person.

In the world of services and schools, its OK to have a child with disability but not too disabled. 

The more I didn’t want this, the more I was creating this and making it my reality. I needed to allow for anything. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. 

By now you maybe thinking, if I was so anti kids then what happened this all so switched?

It’s the knowing that I have not met someone yet and the knowing that I have received through some messages through meditation that a soul has chosen me (us) to come back into physical form.

I truly believe that this soul is the spirit of my great-grandmother. She was a strong one. She got married when she was 20, in 1937. She was active in WWII, being a transfer station for solders and Jews who were escaping. She didn’t take sh*t from anyone. She was really close with my mom. She started showing up this year as a beetle in the most random places. Her name is Leokadja and I honour her.

Let anything that is supposed to show up, just SHOW UP.

A Lioness.

A strength of my great-grandmas flows through my veins.

She wants you to know that isn’t just great-grandma, she is Great Grandma

She gave me many gifts, like the gift of being an empath. Seeing and feeling more than just we see on a physical level.

Her spirit is Willing itself to this planet through me and its stronger than me. I choose to listen to my intuition and just surrender to this force. She has something to teach me. More than I can even anticipate.

My previous choices were based on fear mostly on loosing myself. I think that is what would have happened as I didn’t understand myself enough.

Now they are based on Listening to the Higher Self and Spirit.

 

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My views on family 10 years ago

10 years ago

When I was getting married, the priest in the church, as is custom, took both parties individually aside and asked, if we wanted to have children. I told the Father, sure, but maybe not now please. One of the reasons a marriage can be annulled is if either the bride of groom doesn’t want to have a family or lied about it. Who would have known? At the time, I was 25, for this day in age, that was pretty young to get married. My actual views, that I didn’t divulge to the priest were that I was actually pretty anti-kids. Dude was well aware of my views, but I think he silently hopped that one day they might change. He didn’t know that would have taken so long and neither did I at the time.

Of those pregnant women

As a matter of fact, I remember standing in the kitchen having a conversation with a friend explaining to her how sorry I felt for pregnant women and how could they possibly put themselves in THAT kind of condition. I remember telling her that I couldn’t understand why a woman would choose to ruin her life-like that. Didn’t those women realize that they would be a slave to this child? My views on parenting and child rearing were pretty extreme. Apart from that, I was severely grossed me out that something moving (ie: a sperm) would go into me. Ewwwww!!!!

Working with little kids

The Universe and God is really funny. At the exact time that I had these extreme views, I quit my public relations/marketing job and decided that what I really wanted to do with my life is work in education. I tried getting into teachers college but decided against the degree and for some reason started working at a Montessori and last-minute signed up to do a Montessori Teacher Diploma. Thats right, I would end up working with little kids under the age of 5, precisely the kind of kids I didn’t want to work with. I ended up working in Montessori and in early childhood for almost three years.

What I learned while a Montessori Teacher.

“Help me by helping me to learn to do it by myself”. 
Little kids are actually little adults but the only people that get their way are adults.
  1. Little kids are very capable, except because of fear and hyper-sensitve parenting style that dominate our society now, we, adults put limits on our kids. At the Montessori, the kids got to do what they really desired, which was cleaning up, working with glass, working with sharp objects. I became an adopter of “free range parenting” and ordered chaos in the development of kids.

2. I learned about child development and found out I actually liked being around those snotty three-year olds. I also found out that 2 and 4 year olds were my favourite ages.

3. I learned adults are way to quick to clean up the messes of children, because we have time constraints and kids don’t.

For example, a kid during lunch one time deliberately looked me in the eye, took his plate and threw his food on the floor. Given any other environment, we, the adults would have cleaned up after this child.The teacher handed the child a rag and said, “clean it up”. It was an agonizing hour to watch this child clean up after themselves. Going from tears, to a melt down, to everything in between. Finally after an hour this 2 year old child cleaned up after himself. Did he do it again? Never.

Meeting parents

I met so many parents during this time and watched some parents be incredibly overwhelmed by their kids. I realized that the parents needed more teaching than the kids. I held so many parent’s hand to simply let their child put on their own shoes and jackets.

I also finally started meeting parents who genuinly enjoyed their kids and their company. As up to that point I had met people who resented what their kids had done to their lives. How else was I supposed to view kids if thats all that I heard?

I’m grateful to all the teachings of those parents and their kids. Their kids are now at least 8-10 years old. I’m so happy to have been part of life for some time and that the kids and their parents taught me great lessons about myself and the world of parenting.

Spiritual intervention

Three years ago is really when I rediscovered spiritualty. I’ll write more indepth about this but this was another awakening. Working with my mentor (Sabrina Hearsong) I discovered all these beliefs I had about kids and having kids really orginated from what I had percieved as the truth as a child. As children we re-interpret traumatic situations that happen to us and because we don’t have the words to express them we make these traumatic situations as our childhood truths they have a direct impact on our adult life. In unraveling these childhood imprints so much came up. I saw where my attitude towards family, love, attachment, commitment, love of Self and so many other things came from.

This spiritual release of all these childhood attachments and healings came as an enomous relief but also it meant redefining my views on everything and as well how I saw myself as a woman, mother and parent.

I equated having children with divorce. That they ruin marriages and partnerships. That women totally loose themselves and forget who they are. This was my understanding of what children meant and I would do everything to make sure that I wouldn’t have kids so my marriage would’t fall apart. I was also under no circumstances willing for a child take my independence away.

What happened to me, is that I had to grow up and understand that really I would never be the same with a child. Its a hard job that is sometimes is thankless. But the work for me on my spiritual journey couldn’t be complete without having little people in my life.

Now.

After years and years of working on me, everything has come to this moment. The complete surrender of Self in the act of having a child and becoming a parent. I’m scared but  I’m ready, emotionally, physically and spiritually. There could be no better time than now, had it happened any time earlier, the Universe knew I wasn’t ready.

How to read this blog some expectations and guidelines.

This blog is really personal and will express things that not everyone will agree with.

The dates in the blog won’t always line up with when the events occurred. There is a time delay of about two to three weeks. This allows me to process and write what has been going on. You may read a blog and be concerned but I may have already gone through the next motions and are OK. 🙂

The dates before Oct. 2016. do not coincide with when an event happened.

Releasing this blog took a lot from to just, “let it go”. Please respect this.

I won’t necessarily release blog posts on a weekly basis.

I have a lot of things to say and are using this as a way to be able to reflect back in a few years how I was doing in the thick of things.

Some times this will mean I’ll post things from other sources that I’ve read that have moved me.

This blog won’t be perfect and filled with grammar mistakes, spelling mistakes, and paragraphs that won’t make sense. I’m ok with that, because infertility, pregnancy and being a parent is messy. Lets not all strive and pretend we are perfect.

This is meant as a way peel away the onion of what actually goes on between two people who are trying to have a family. I want this to be authentic and real.

I will try not use real names if possible to protect people and myself.

Be kind.

Comments are welcome and encouraged. We are a world community.

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