My diagnosis of PCOS is bullshit

pcosWhat is PCOS?

PCOS is Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.

Its one of the most common hormonal endocrine disorders in women. PCOS has been recognized and diagnosed for seventy-five years. There are many signs and symptoms that a woman may experience. Since PCOS cannot be diagnosed with one test alone and symptoms vary from woman to woman. Most women with PCOS grow many small cysts on their ovaries. The body may have a problem using insulin, called insulin resistance. When the body doesn’t use insulin well, blood sugar levels go up. Over time, this increases your chance of getting diabetes

Here is a video: What is PCOS Video – the PCOS foundation

I’m a super responder.

I was told by the clinic I have “PCOS”, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. The only thing about this syndrome is that it’s a spectrum.

In early 2000’s, the medical community got together and put together three criteria and in order to be diagnosed with PCOS you needed two out of three criteria to qualify.

roterdam-diagnosis

My symptoms:

  1. My cycles are anywhere from 30-50 days and totally random. I can kind of predict but not really. So the idea of aim and fire doesn’t apply to me, as I don’t know when to “aim and fire”.
  2. Cystic Acne (but who doesn’t have acne?!)
  3. Difficulty getting pregnant (because of irregular ovulation or failure to ovulate) We actually have not been able to fully determine if a ovulate all the time on my own.
  4. When I’m given hormones for fertility I respond by making LOTS of eggs. I’m called a “super responder” to the medications because I produce a mass amount of follicles. This is typical in cystic ovaries.

I’ve been called PCOS, the skinny type.  Often women are overweight and have weight around their belly. I don’t have this.

pcosgraphic

How is PCOS treated?

In reality, it’s not really “treated” by the medical community, it needs help from other forms of alternative holistic medicine. For me, the clinic has never treated the diagnosis. Meaning, the underlying factors have not looked into. The diagnosis has been taken into account for the fertility medical/medication protocol. It’s not that they clinic doesn’t or can’t treat it, but they have one job, that is to get you pregnant, that is what the health care system pays for. Our health-care is about treating the ‘disease’ and not about prevention. This is obvious for anyone dealing with the Ontario/Canada system. As my doctor put it, she is a complete believer of FUNCTIONAL MEDICINE but within the clinic right now the facilities are not there to treat PCOS and infertility from this angle. This is why it’s important to be your own patient advocate.

What is supposed to help is:

“Regular exercise, healthy foods (low sugar, gluten & dairy) and weight control are said to be the key treatments for PCOS. Treatment can reduce unpleasant symptoms and help prevent long-term health problems” along with alternative therapy treatments, such as naturopath and acupuncture.

My own self-diagnosis?

While its nice that I was officially given a diagnosis of PCOS, but my unofficial self-diagnosis is that my body just forgot how fertility works and is now having trouble remembering. I also believe there are more underlying issues that have never been looked into. According to the symptoms, I have PCOS, but my question has always been, what are the REASONS for these symptoms? This is something that the medical community has not been able to answer which is another reason why I don’t believe in the diagnosis. From what I have found, PCOS is an umbrella diagnosis. Often used as a blanket diagnosis for a lot of women and over diagnosed.

Since this a syndrome, the actual symptoms are wide-ranging, but typically fall into four different types.

Four types of PCOS 

  1. Insulin Resistant PCOS
  2. Pill-Induced PCOS or Post-Pill PCOS
  3. Inflammatory PCOS
  4. Hidden-Cause PCOS

For me, I fall into category number four. The most annoying one, because it’s not really evident as to why I have the syndrome. As Doctor Fiona outlines in her book, “8 steps to reverse your PCOS”, sometimes there may be a genetic cause that mimics PCOS symptoms that are the actual underlying issue of infertility.

It would require the professional to dig deeper and take more time at treating those actual symptoms. The medical clinic doesn’t have time to dig deeper. With the constant stream of new patients, their goal is to get you pregnant and move on. It’s neither right nor, wrong, it’s just the way their protocol is handled. The Clinic is really good at integrating other practitioners into their clinic. They actually refer and support a patient who wants to work with a naturopath or other practitioners.

Mind -body connection

The fertility journey has been a total mind-soul connection.

I was talking to the hypnotherapist and she was telling me about a couple where the husband was adopted. He never really dealt this hurt he felt as a child. Through hypnosis, he realized he has made a deal with himself that he would never father children because he didn’t want any child to go through what he went through. Before therapy he had a terrible sperm count, after the healing process his sperm count went up. I know this may sound over simplistic, but I truly believe that our minds are that powerful. We do make deals with ourselves like that.

We all have limiting beliefs that go back to childhood imprints, I have them, you have them, we all have them. We move through life matching our childhood beliefs with our self-worth. Such as, “I don’t deserve attention”, “It’s not safe to be here”, “I don’t deserve to be loved”. They all come from what I understood and translated as a child from the situations and experiences that I faced.

Some of the things I’m working through the past four years along this journey of fertility are working through my limiting beliefs.

“It may be important to do some inner investigation into the invisible answers you may be carrying to basic questions about how fertility, pregnancy, birth and children were perceived in your family of origin, so that you can journey ahead into those realms fully free, right down to your biochemistry, and make the healthiest choices. (As a bonus, engaging in the creative process of mastering your own inner life is the best preparation not just for conceiving a baby, but for parenting in general!)
Marcy Axness, PhD

Once we realize how we carry on a continual dialogue with our biology—consciously and unconsciously—we can aspire to cultivate an inner ecology that is truly fit for life.

This is why I still am comfortable to state, that while on the physical plane I have been diagnosed as having PCOS, on the spiritual and EGO side, there is another whole world there that I’m still working through.

I call bullshit on the diagnosis of PCOS.

Acupuncture

According to the Journal of the International Society of Gynecological Endocrinology, “acupuncture therapy may have a role in PCOS by increasing blood flow to the ovaries, reducing of ovarian volume and the number of ovarian cysts, controlling hyperglycemia through increasing insulin sensitivity and decreasing blood glucose and insulin levels.” 

I am going to acupuncture once to twice a week. Once to Irene and another time to Tanya at Alive Holistic Health. I decided to go to both because each has their own way of approaching acupuncture. Irene approaches acupuncture the true Chinese way, on the physical level. She sees your body but doesn’t touch the spirit part. Tanya on the other hand approaches acupuncture from of the spirit side. A beautiful and gentle soul. Each treatment is different. When I go to Alive Holistic clinic to Tanya, my body and soul just sinks into the table. Our soul needs the love and care just as much as our physical body does.

It interests me that both of them approach PCOS from a completely different angle. They don’t even focus on it, rather they focus on what is going on with your body that day. Irene can tell me exactly what is going on with my body by how my tongue looks. Tanya also looks at my tongue, and bases the treatment and how many needles she puts in by checking my pulse. There are 29 different pulses according to Chinese medicine.

I respond so well to the needles. They were both shocked at how fast my body changed.

I’m a super responder

Anova Fertility

While Dr. Dickson was the one that diagnosed me with PCOS when I first started seeing her, nothing more was done with the diagnosis.

  • No one at the clinic asked about my nutrition patterns.
  • No one at the clinic looked into inflammation or my insulin intake.
  • It wasn’t looked into or asked why have my cycles become shorter since the time I was a teenager.
  • I wasn’t asked or looked into if I have any allergies that I I am not aware of, such as gluten sensitive or dairy sensitive.

There was not functional medicine, just straight to the point – fix the physical.

This is neither right nor wrong, it’s just the way western medicine is structured: Fix the physical body, the rest doesn’t matter.

I’m calling the “diagnosis” of PCOS as bullshit.

Instead of just calling it PCOS, why don’t we peel away the layers of the onion and see what else is there. The diagnosis of PCOS is just a big blanket statement that so many women have been diagnosed with. Instead of throwing medication at it, lets dig deeper.

Unfortunately, as a society are not willing to do that because we just want the fertility clinic to “fix the problem” and don’t have time to dig deeper.

I also have the challenge, that my time on my medical leave is up in April. I hear the clock ticking all the time.

Naturopath: White Lotus integrative Health (with Dr. Erica)

When I finally went to see this clinic, I realized how much I had ignored and not done my homework about my diagnosis. I realize now it’s because I didn’t want to be another one of “those”people. One of “those” women who search the internet for hours on end, reading all the forums possible and spinning in all the information about PCOS and infertility.

I didn’t want to be more stressed or have more anxiety about this situation. I just wanted to be calm, cool and collected. Most of all, I didn’t want to have someone to again tell me to change my diet: drop gluten, drop dairy and sugar. I didn’t want to be responsible for this, I just wanted the drugs.

What I learned from this two-hour initial appointment is how much I have just wanted to go with it and how much I didn’t want to get to the bottom of PCOS. I also realized how much I ignored my diagnosis because it wasn’t something that was even discussed with the clinic at any point during treatment.

I’m pretty aware of the mind-spiritual connection but I have ignored my physical body and just gave it drugs. It’s ironic, I didn’t want to deal with taking charge of my diet and digging deeper.

From the appointment at the clinic which happened on Feb. 1, 2017 – I learned that I potentially could have an insulin issue. When the Dr. Erica tested my insulin five hours after I had eaten a really good breakfast and was feeling hungry, it was unusually high.

After four years of starting this, I started to accept that I actually may have a diagnosis and there is something I can do about it.

Now it’s getting through the muck and deciding how much this I want to do right now and if this is now the long-term plan after Anova Clinic or if I want to implement the program now.

I came to Lotus clinic because there was a thyroid scare and Anova just wanted to give me medication. I don’t want to mess with my thyroid with medication. I don’t want to make it worse in the long-term. I don’t want to just give my body drugs, again.

I call bullshit on my diagnosis. 

But I’m calling bullshit on myself.

I just didn’t want to take responsibility and do anything more about my diagnosis. I didn’t take my own health into my own hands. It was good enough that I just showed up and went to the clinic. I offered my body into the science experiment and went off on my own hippie ultra-spiritual meditative lotus leaf pretending that nothing else mattered. I didn’t connect with my body and honour it. If something was to go wrong, it would be so easy to blame the clinic. Blame someone else. Blame the drugs. Blame, blame, blame…..

 

Even in this journey, the Universe has shown me, that I need SPEAK UP and whether I like it or not, authentically take responsibility for E V E R Y T H I N G.

Kicking and screaming, another slap in the face about taking responsibility for my thoughts, actions and words.


Reference PDF: genetics of PCOS

Its one thing to make it, its another to keep it.

This post from Facebook really moved me.

As I go through this journey, one thing I actually didn’t want to acknowledge is the possibility  of a miscarriage or a still birth. This is something thankfully I have not gone through. I don’t know, after all of this, I just can’t even imagine how it would be like. I know someone who when through a still birth, and someone who had to end a pregnancy early because the baby was not developing nor was the heart.

My accupuncturist, Irene, who learned acupuncture in China and has been doing it for 30 years, keeps telling me in her english-chinese accent:

“Its one thing to make it, its another thing to keep it. You need to keep it and make it successful”.

I’m sitting in this thought this week, feeling a bit paralyzed by this. How many things can still go wrong?

Jesus, how the fuck do any of you actually have children? How the heck am I even here?

In the world right now, the only thing I can think of that makes it better, is really just going back to the miracle of birth. Its a miracle. Honestly, it really….really……is!

This post below really moved me, as she describes how she found out she was having a miscarriage. I feel for her so much more deeply than I could have ever in the past.

This is another thing we just don’t talk about.

I recently went to a retreat called, “Family constellation”, where the purpose was to recreate your family dynamics and have a chance to really see how its shaped you from childhood to an adult.

The most fascinating thing about the retreat/workshop, was that the facilitator, Michael Schiesser was asking the participants if there were any miscarriages in the family. At the end of each person’s session, we would go around acknowledging all the miscarriages and still births had that occurred, in accordance to the birth order of all the siblings. One person who thought they had two siblings, all of a sudden had four. He was the youngest in the family. He didn’t realize why there was such a gap between him and his sisters. He had resented his parents that that there such a gap between him and siblings. What he saw was that he was wanted so much that through all the heartbreak of miscarriage, his parents kept going till they had him. He was filled with so much love at that moment his resentment burst.

It really had a profound impact on me, as I saw how much we don’t acknowledge a life that was there but didn’t make it all the way through. All those angels who thought they wanted to take shape, but decided against it.

Miscarriage is also something like fertility that is hush hush. Why?

Is it because its hard to deal with death?

Is it because we don’t know what to say if someone was to tell you, “I have two kids but one I lost to miscarriage so really I have three children”. I’m not sure we are taught to process that. Even I don’t know what I would say because “I’m sorry”, is so lame.

This is why this post moved me so much. She tells it how it is and let us remember the angels who came but left us too soon.


This Post:
Love What Matters (copied from a post from Facebook)

“I had to pee so badly but they wouldn’t let me go. They said I needed a full bladder because it’s easier to see the baby during the ultrasound. I remember feeling so frustrated not only because of my full bladder, but because I had to fill out what seemed like 50 pages of paperwork before I could empty my bladder and see the baby I’d been waiting to see for 8 weeks.

I finally was walked to the back room where I was greeted with a smile from everyone because the happiness from carrying a baby was contagious. The ultrasound began and I saw the images right in front of me. My heart was beating out of my chest. This was exciting!

This was a day my husband and I had been waiting for, for over a year.

But these images were different from the ones I’ve seen on Facebook that all my girlfriends had posted, something was wrong.

I saw nothing because my body was just hours away from miscarriage.

My ultrasound tech was quiet and I just knew. She left the room and my husband quickly assured me that “everything is fine.” But don’t tell that to a girl who has seen hundreds of ultrasound photos, who has searched Instagram for the hashtag “8weeks” to see what her baby now looked like.

I knew it wasn't right and it wasn't.

I remember being afraid to cry. I didn’t feel as if I deserved to cry because “I wasn’t that far along,” and “this happens all the time.”

I remember holding back the tears with every ounce of my being and not being able to look my husband in the face because I knew his pain would break me.

I was sent home to let my body naturally run its course and it did. I felt everything but had nothing to show for it.

My doctor didn’t let me leave without warning and she was right about everything. But what she didn’t warn me about was everything that would happen after the initial heartbreak and pain.

  • She didn’t tell me I was going to be reminded for weeks to come because my body was going to take that long to “clean out.”
  • She didn’t tell me I was going to have to watch my husband weep.
  • She didn’t tell me how hard it was going to be to tell my mom what had happened.
  • She didn’t tell me that my body was going to continue thinking it was pregnant for weeks to come.
  • She didn’t tell me how hard it was going be to tell people I was fine when I wasn’t. She didn’t tell me that this was going to make me a jealous person over-night.
  • She didn’t tell me how much harder the question “when are you having kids?” was going to be. And she didn’t tell me that it was going to be so hard losing someone I had never met.

But she did tell me it was okay to cry and she did tell me that I wasn’t alone.

Miscarriages are SO real and so common, in fact, one out of four women experience a miscarriage; but don’t let that confuse you into thinking it hurts any less. As large as this statistic is, I still felt alone and I have finally figured out why: because no one talks about it.

It wasn’t until I started talking about it to my friends and family that I slowly realized I wasn’t alone. That my mom, my aunt, my sister, my sisters best friend all have experienced this heartbreak and pain, a heartbreak and pain I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.

People may wonder why I choose to talk about this after months have passed, but it’s the harsh reality that time really doesn’t heal all wounds so I am hoping sharing my story will help with the healing process. I am not looking for pity and I am not looking for answers. I am sharing this so that maybe one less woman will feel alone and use this as a reminder or message that there is hope after this heartbreak.

This is my hope for you…

I hope that you won’t feel alone.
I hope that you let yourself cry.
I hope that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I hope that though your faith will be tested, you will be strong.
I hope you find peace.
I hope you won’t be afraid to try again.
I hope that you don’t blame yourself.
I hope that your friends hug you a little tighter.
I hope that you give someone else hope through your hardship
I hope that you are a light in the darkest of time.
…and I hope that you celebrate that baby’s life as much as you celebrate the next because no matter how short a life, all life deserves to be celebrated and all loss should be mourned.

Feel free to share if this spoke to you or you feel as if it might speak to someone you know.”
{Matthew 7:7}

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#LoveWhatMatters

Credit: Emily Christine

My friend Patricia. I’m sorry.

When I met Patricia almost four years ago, I saw her as a career women who was wasting away her life by just staying at home. To me the real women were those that were out there in the world working and being independent. I was taught, never ever EVER be dependant on a man and always have your own career. So far, I have managed this (apart from three years when I was career transitioning). Patricia has twins. When I first met her I had a feeling that there was more to the story of her kids than just met the eye. Still, I saw her as an example of a woman who didn’t, “Lean In”.  

When I met Patricia, the idea of fertility treatments were not really formulated and if you had told me I was about to be preparing for IVF, I would have told you that you were crazy, that I would have never be doing such a thing.

I didn’t understand at the time when Patrica said to me, “I worked this hard to have my children, and at the end of mat leave I decided not to go back. If I had worked so hard to have them, whey should anyone else be taking care of them other than me?”

Remember that I was still in the mind set that women who had kids were in the process of ruining their lives. While I was warming up to the idea of children, I was adament about the fact that I would under no circumstances be allowing them to change how I worked. I would always have a career and job and benefits and run a company and….and…..and….

I never understood when someone close to me said, “You need to really choose what is important to you. Having children is a sacrifice, so what are you willing to let go of?”. My answer, nothing. I wanted to let go of nothing.

I understand Patrica now.

My new found reality is that I AM WORKING HARD to have this child. My child. Our child. I have worked on myself spiritually releasing and letting go of so much. Surrendering. Not resisting. Allowing.

I’m so sorry Patricia for having judged you so harshly. I critiqued your choice of staying home. I did North American society does, not recognizing the work that goes into parenting and kids. Not recognizing what kind of choice you actually did. I get it. I totally get how hard you worked to have your kids. The amount of patience it takes to go through all of this. How committed one must be to do fertility treatments. I’m doing it now. Thank you for always being so open about being there.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The Impact of Patricia

Patrica has shared many things with me. She has also helped Dude and I have more in-depth conversations about how he is feeling about this whole IVE process. She doesn’t even know she has done this but now she will know.

Patricia doesn’t know that her calmness and strength just help me believe that IVF works. She gets all the moving parts of this process.

There is no else I could ask for during the time of the transfer to be there. I can’t even describe it, but its this unbreakable belief.

You are a star Patrica.

A love letter to my ovaries. A ritual.

dear-ovariesWhy am I talking to my ovaries?

I admit that the IVF process is completely unnatural. It has taken me a long, long, long time to get to this point and be OK with it. I believe that everything has energy and talking to certain parts of our bodies actually soothes any anxiety that body part is experiencing. brings focus, attention, mindfulness and and awareness to what is about to happen. I’m explaining the process of IVF to my ovaries.

Hypnosis.

When I went to my first session of hypnosis with Shawn (female), she immediately told me to talk to my ovaries and explain to my eggs what will be happening. It struck me as odd, but it in another way totally makes total sense. Shawn said, “tell your ovaries the process that is about to happen and that the eggs are safe being out of your body. When you start IVF, really start talking to your ovaries and start assuring them”.

Body awareness

A few years back when I did a week long yoga/mindfulness  program, I was asked to turn off my cell phone during the day. By the end of the week, I starting noticing that every time I got a text message, my body contracted….. every…… so…… slightly. I usually wouldn’t even really notice this slight contraction, but because I was so centred and feeling mindful, that I noticed every little change in my body. I noticed how my heart just jumped a little. My pulse increase for that one extra second. If from a simple text message, my body contracted, imagine how the ovaries (and eggs) must feel in the situation I’m putting them in.

I’m asking them to:

  1. Produce an abnormal amount of eggs, aiming for around ten at once instead of the normal one at a time
  2. Allow some foreign object to retrieve them (the eggs) and then
  3. Pull the eggs outside of what is the only environment that the eggs know.
  4. On top of that we are asking them to work in this strange environment that they have never experienced before to start creating a baby.
  5. We will then (eggs) biopsy you to check for chromosomal abnormalities, so make you are performing well!
  6. Oh yes, by the way eggs, you will be frozen
  7. Then we will pick just one of you to put back and we hope you are not traumazied too much to then produce a healthy bouncing baby.

If I were my eggs, I would have sent a strongly worded letter demanding an explanation.

Our bodies are more than just science, everything has a spirit in it.

We are talking to my eggs and ovaries explaining them the process everyday and telling them they are safe as well that we are grateful for the work they are putting in to make this possible.

Before the needle our ritual.

As Marcin prepares the needle, I sit on the couch and just focus on my breathing and allowing the surrender to happen.

Marcin comes, and everyday day the needle goes either in the left or right side of my stomach. He puts his hand on the side that is about to receive the needle and we begin talking to my ovaries and describing….

Love Letter to my ovaries

Marcin….

Thank you ovaries for recieving this drug. Thank you in recieving this magical potion that we assure you is safe and that you are safe to receive.

Me….

Dear ovaries,

I just want to let you know what will be happening to you but first I want to let you know you are safe. In the next ten days or so, there will be a doctor who will be taking out all the wonderful eggs and they will be coming out of our body. The eggs, will be going to the spa. There are wonderful people who are going to be taking care of the eggs. Ovaries, I want you to know that the eggs that you produced are going to be safe. They are going to be put in this amazing nutricious liquid where they will be babied, and pampered and lots of pictures will taken of them.

The eggs you produce will be celebries and they will bask in the light of all the attention that they will be getting. I’m getting excited for the eggs, I mean who doesn’t want some pampering before they really need to work?

After five days after the they are retrieved of us (our body) they will be put to sleep. They get to go for a rest and sleep so they can get ready to be put back and make that wonderful baby. Most eggs and sperm don’t get so much time to get aquained with each other, but on top of the spa, there will be a person by the name of embriologist, and he will be pick the most handsome of sperm and they will fight to get married with the eggs that you produced.

As you can see Ovaries, the eggs you produce are perfectly safe because after all of the they get to be transfered back to the warm and juicy environment of the uterus. Everything will be ready for the strongest egg and sperm connection to come back. It will be such an amazing environment. Let the ovaries know they are safe. They are safe.

The most amazing thing about this

My body now looks forward to the needle. I don’t see the needle as sharpe but life giving. I don’t feel scared about the procedure. I’m looking forward to it.

Dr. Edward Ryan an angel in human form

Background

In spring of 2016 I started to get frustrated with Dr. Dickson, not because she was going anything wrong, it’s just I needed someone who was willing to be more “out there” with me. Someone who understand and believe the mind-body-spirit connection. I called a friend and found out where she went ten years ago and she said, Dr. Ryan. Initially I had wanted to change clinics in but that required a referral and more waiting so instead I changed doctors at *Anova to Dr. Belej-Rak. I still did a referral to Dr. Ryan in April of 2016 for an appointment in July 2016 just in case things wouldn’t have worked out at Anova.

It ended up that I never switched clinics to Dr. Ryan, but whenever I mentioned his name to clinicians, everyone’s face would just light up and so much joy would come beaming out.

When I went to see Shawn,my hypnotherapist, she said she had worked with him in years past when he was a obstricition and she was a mid-wife, this was in the 80’s.  She had nothing but good things to say about him. During that appointment, we agreed that Dr. Ryan was my third connection “My je-nais-sa-quois”. There was no doubt that before I was to start IVF I needed to see Dr. Ryan.

Dr. Ryan became my muse, the doc. I just needed to see because I believed his energy and his belief in the miraculous mystery of baby making (plus his enormous spirit) was my missing link in the process of IVF. From what I have gathered, Dr. Ryan was a pioneer of IVF in Toronto. Its said, that whenever he does a procedure, at the end of it, he lifts his hands up to the sky and looks up, knowing that truly life is a miracle.

My appointment in July got cancelled.

I had another appointment set up for September but I had to cancel.

I finally got another appointment for end of November, and I messed up the time by an hour and missed the appointment.

We finally went to dinner to Patricia’s and Marcin heard us talking about Dr. Ryan. I finally expressed why it was so important to see him. As each time I was going to see Dr. Ryan Marcin was going to go and didn’t understand why I was going to see another doctor when we were heavily engaged with Anova.

To the final appointment I had booked, Marcin came and it worked out. We saw Dr. Ryan together.

While all this may sound insignificant, there is something about this man.

I am told he is the original Doctor in Toronto who started doing IVF. Everyone in the community of fertility medicine knows him. He is a big, burly Irish man who gives the best bear hugs. He has been around since the 1980’s, this man has seen everything.

Legend has it, that when he transfers the fertilized egg back, he lift both his arms up towards the sky, a signal that it’s now out of his hands. Medicine really can only take it so far, then its up to  a force that is stronger than us. Dr. Ryan sees himself as the facilitator of that magic, and the patient has to believe as much as he does in this magic.

Indeed, after the appointment, I felt so much stronger, ground going into IVF with the belief that this works.

He gave us so much good information about genetic testing, called “PGS”. Told that they way to increase sperm quality is to take an enzyme CoQ10.

He went through everything in detail about my file and said to keep in touch with him because he wants to know.

I walked out of that appointment so happy to have met him knowing that there is someone I can turn to if needed for a second opinion.

One of the very few doctors who believes in God and a High Power of the Universe.

We have angels walking around us and Spirit guides. 
He is one of the angels.  
We just need to trust. 
This is what I learned from Dr. Ryan.

 

To book an appointment with Dr. Ryan, please ask for a referral from your family doctor. Suite 100, 56 Aberfoyle Crescent, Etobicoke, ON M8X 2W4

Phone:(416) 231-4100

Affirmations

My affirmations in this process are:

I welcome my child with love and courage

I am grateful and overjoyed to be pregnant

 

November 18, 2016
Affirmations
Words of Wisdom

by Madisyn Taylor

 

Our minds accept as truth the critical statements we tell ourselves, but it can also accept our positive affirmations.

The words we speak and think hold great sway over the kind of life that we create for ourselves. Many people live their lives plagued by negative thoughts and never even realize this. They tell themselves and others that they are doomed to fail, not good enough, or not worthy of love, yet they are amazed when their reality starts reflecting these words. Just as the subconscious mind accepts as truth the critical statements we tell ourselves, however, it is also equipped to instantly accept the veracity of our affirmations.

Affirmations are statements chosen and spoken consciously. Once they enter our realm of consciousness, they also enter our subconscious mind where they have the power to change our lives. The affirmations you create should be specific, not too long, worded positively, formed in complete sentences, and spoken in the present tense as if what you are affirming is already true. It is a good idea to repeat your affirmations daily. You may want to tell yourself that you deserve to be happy or that you are in control of your destiny. Or, you may want to focus on a particular goal, such as attracting new friends. Rather than telling yourself you want to be well-liked, say, “I am well-liked.” Your subconscious mind will pick up on these positive messages, and you will begin to live your life as if what you are affirming already has happened. Soon, your reality will begin to reflect your affirmations. If you find that you are thwarting yourself with negative thinking, try repeating your affirmations several times a day. Write your affirmations down and say them aloud or in your mind. Allow your conviction to grow stronger each time you say your affirmations, and your negativity will be overridden by your motivation and positive thoughts.

Affirmations are a powerful tool for creating our desired reality. We consciously and subconsciously invite opportunity into our lives when we say affirmations. Trust in the power of your affirmations, and you will very quickly create what you have already stated to be true.

Continue reading “Affirmations”

My soul contract

Before you entered this physical time and space your soul made an agreement. Before you came into human form, your soul had specific purpose or destiny that it had agreed to fulfil. This destiny was written and is your Soul Contract.

When my brother was born I was nine years old.

I remember coming back home from school and my mom was running upstairs at 3pm still in the same state that I left her when I was going to school. I remember this so clearly because as a nine-year old to see your mom so overwhelmed and not with it – well it left a deep impression. I remember she was wearing her night-gown and it was either green or pink bathrobe. She was running up and down between rooms upstairs and told me she has not eaten yet. I didn’t understand why or show she could have allowed herself to not get dressed or eat.

I was told many times before and after my brother was born that my mom and her brother had a really good relationship. I remember clearly making my mind up that I would never fight with my brother because I didn’t want to be THAT sister. I wanted to be helpful and be a guardian for him. I vowed I would take care of him and make sure he was always safe. In a nine year old I translated that to being more than just a sister.

At this age I also realized how much energy and time a child takes. At a young age I questioned why would ever I want to have kids if this is how much time and effort it took? I vowed that I wouldn’t have any children till my brother was independent enough that he didn’t need me. This was my soul contract I created in the mind of a nine year old.

Throughout his growing up, I’ve helped in his development. One of the most significant ones was when he was in grade nine. I don’t remember the exact timeline, but was had a one bedroom apartment, he was not doing well in school, and I got a frantic phone call that I had to do something to make it better. My brother ended up living with us for a few months. It was a hard time but we were all going to push through this. Even when he had given  up on himself in ways that I can even begin to describe, there was no bloody way he was going to be able to push me away. I wouldn’t give up on him. If I had to take him kicking and screaming I would have. This taught me a lot about simply not giving up on  people and especially family.

I don’t even remember at what point, but somewhere around him entering University, he got mad at me and finally told me, I need you to be my sister and not my mom. That period took some adjusting as I realized how much in my own behaviour I would ‘mother’ him and that wasn’t ok. He was right. This also taught me how much we just fall into prescribed roles and how important it is to take a step back and reflect.

I’m so proud of him for pushing through and graduating. It was just amazing just seeing him finish.

It actually coincided this year when I started taking fertility treatments seriously and I committed to them and the process.

He is launched and I had graduted along with him and was ready to bring a child into this world. Completing whatever there is left in my soul contract.

Continue reading “My soul contract”

The question that turned my world upside down,”Universe, what is next?”

New job started Sept. 2015

Retreat took place Oct. 2015
Inner Journey Intensive

This blog is a little tricky to write because it deals with my employment but its essential to the current journey and outcome. I want to pre-empt this post and say that all these emotions happened at the start and do not necessarily express how I feel right now. 

In August 2015, I was coming back from a dream vacation. As I sat there deeply connected to nature and everything around me, I asked the Universe the question, “Ok Universe, whats next”. The result of that question turned my world upside down in ways I couldn’t have even expected. It was in many ways a test and a final pull towards what is happening right now in the journey towards mothering and IVF. If you are not serious about what is next, honestly, don’t ask the question as the Universe will give it you.

If you have heard this story from me before, you can skip ahead a bit, but if not, keep reading. Next thing I know I get a text message from the coordinator at work who I have not talked in months as we got the summer off (unpaid). She said there is a new position that I should apply for and that I need to send my resume right away. I’m sitting at that point in the airport with nothing but my phone and my resume is on my computer on the other side of the country. I totally wasn’t interested in a new position and neither was  I looking for one.

Lesson one:
If you are not ready to change jobs don’t do it. I learned that you need to be mentally ready to separate from the job. I loved my job and was willing to drive to it 1.15min every day. I loved everything about it.

I relented and finally said I would send in my resume but honestly I really didn’t want to. Within a couple of days, I got an interview and then a follow-up phone call. The thing is that before they offered me the position I cried uncontrollably for three days. I had hoped that they wouldn’t give me the position so I wouldn’t need to make a decision and go anywhere. I grew up at this job. Yes there was bullying going on but management was amazing and I was so respected throughout the college. I still miss it to this day.

When they finally gave me the position, I cried again. I was so sad and I didn’t want to go anywhere.

Lesson two:
If you are crying uncontrollably for three days before a major decision, perhaps it’s not time yet to change.

I consulted a few people and then I consulted one final person who at the end of the phone call I decided that will take the new position said, “Good, you are finally growing into adulthood”. At the time I didn’t know what she meant. I think what it actually meant, was my final ascent into this journey of where I am at the present moment as presently I’m shedding and walking through to another life. This life is not one I’ll be coming back to.

Lesson Three:
We can’t always see what others see about our future.

Three things that happened at the new job:

ONE: Lets be frank, my first six months of this job were gonzo strenuous hard. I don’t remember being so stressed. I was also now driving 1.5 hours one way and sometimes up to 2 hours back because of traffic. I can’t really go into how I felt about them during that time are things that can only be written a private journal or over coffee and I still want my benefits. Within a week, I regretted my decision about leaving and I even tried to go back to my old job. I don’t know how I managed to survive beyond my six months but somehow I’m still there and every so grateful everyday for the benefits.

TWO: I had to stop all fertility treatments that I had planned for myself for September of 2015. That wasn’t too bad as I initially took on the attitude that this was my opportunity to show the clinic that I didn’t really need them. I was also super stressed and gained weight.

THREE: I went to the Inner Journey Retreat in October, one and half months after I started the job. There is a distinct before I went to Inner Journey attitude I had towards the job and post Inner Journey attitude.

What happened during The Inner Journey Retreat.

I went to the retreat with a know it all attitude. Seriously, sometimes I wonder about myself. I told them that the reason I was there was because I wanted to reach another level of enlightenment of some bullshit like that.

The retreat and the way its set up was amazing.

Its five men and five women supported by 6 facilitators and at least 40 volunteers supporting the ten participants. It was a love fest of epic porportions. Their intent is for you have a transformational journey. The men and women were separated for two of the three days. It was made for sense of bonding. I didn’t allow myself to fully be in all the exercises because it would have meant that all these people would have – seen me. I still keep people at a distance, because a part of my childhood imprints is that everyone eventually leaves so it’s not safe to be fully vulnerable.

On the very last day of the retreat, I finally realized what was going on with me. Why was I so angry at the world and at the job.

As it came my turn to talk something came over me and I started to cry. I bellowed out like a hurt animal and realized what happened.

I blamed work for making me give up my plans to start fertility treatments and the start of my family.

I had waited so long to do this and now I had to delay again.

Since I was driving toward the Kitchener -Waterloo area everyday, it was impossible to go to the clinic at 7am and still make it in time. At least when I was driving to Peterborough I didn’t have to face traffic. I knew if I finished an appointment at 8am I could make it in for 9:15am. Now this was impossible going the other direction. Leaving Toronto at 8am meant an hour and half drive.

When I think of this moment, my heart goes back there and it tears me up.

Is this why I was crying before I left my other job? The one that I loved and adored. My coordinator at my old job under estimated how much I loved my work. I had a lot of freedom there.

I cried and cried in that spiritual circle and all my vulnerabilities just spilled out. No more mask. Another shift happened on that retreat. Another nudge and a shedding of a skin.

When I went back to work after the retreat, I felt I was a new person. I was buzzing for three days and it felt like I had a double skin. Anything anyone said I had no reaction. I was so much at peace.

I had wanted a “spiritual awakening” at the retreat. I had no idea that my awakening was going to look completely different from I had expected.

Trust in the Universe to provide, but the HOW is up to IT.

 

 

 

The very first cycle

First cycle occured: Nov-Dec. 2014.

No one understands how fertility clinics work till you’ve gone to one. I could explain to you till I’m blue in the face but you won’t get how it feels to sit in waiting room bursting with women of all ages and ALL paths who are waiting for their internal ultrasound to be done and their blood to be taken. You can try, but I forgive you that you won’t really understand. Its a place the only people who have gone understand.

After the first fertility appointment I agree that I should do a monitored cycle. I stipulated that is must be non-medicated as what I wanted was from this cycle was….information….about me! I wanted a baseline. The clinic of course was very keen on jumping ahead and giving me medication.

After my first three ultra sound appointments and blood work, I came home PHYSICALLY SICK. I felt drained, exhausted as if someone had taken all my energy out of me through that ultra sound. My brain was so against getting tested that it reacted physically. Its amazing the mind body connection. We don’t give credit to our mind-body connection enough.

What was happening was I was taking on all those other women’s desperation.

What was happening was that I was allowing myself to be a victim to the clinic.

What was happening was my mind and body were off. One was saying on thing and the other way saying something else.

I needed to take my POWER back and decide that I will not take on anyone else’s energy and I will make it my choice to be going to the clinic. After I realized what was going on, I stopped being physically ill after being at the clinic and I centred myself. I knew I could go on as I had chosen. I made sure to shield myself from the energies of others as well.

I realized there was nothing “wrong” with me and that even though I was going to a doctor and doing these medical tests, I had a choice of how I perceived my reality. I was not a victim to these tests.

This first cycle I went through the whole process, I remember it a bit of a blur, but I remember that morning crowd and the good Doctor D. telling me she thinks I have PCOS (*Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) except I’m the skinny type.

I remember it being December. We were planning to drive to Atlanta to visit Sol and I walk in in the morning and the doctor took my little ultra sound paper and he looked at my excitedly and said, “I think you’ve ovulated”, let me give you a drugs to help trigger everything.

I looked at him like he was crazy. I had said no drugs this cycle. For whatever reason I wasn’t ready yet to trigger a pregnancy. I was getting there but I wasn’t ready for the committment yet.

The doc. told me the clinic would call and let me know if I had ovulated on my own based on my blood work results. I think we were supposed to be going to Atlanta the next day.

The phone call came and the excited nurse said I didn’t need to come to the clinic because I had in fact done it all on my own. The instructions were to have have timed intercourse over the next three days.

I put down the phone and wondered if I should even tell Dude. What would happen if I didn’t tell him? Would he be mad at me if didn’t know but then found out. I finally decided to tell him and he shrugged and said, “Ok”. I have taught him over the years to show no excitment about any of this so he was tredding lightly.

It ended up being that I didn’t follow the instructions fully and didn’t end up getting preganant.

This was the last time that I would have ovulated on my own.

In many ways I regret not following through, but its ok. I wasn’t fully ready. My journey wasn’t complete yet. Now its complete. You are never ready, but in my case, there is a time where it feels right and aligned. Now is that time.

*Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a set of symptoms due to elevated androgens (male hormones) in women. Signs and symptoms of PCOS include irregular or no menstrual periods, heavy periods, excess body and facial hair, acne, pelvic pain, difficulty getting pregnant, and patches of thick, darker, velvety skin.

Continue reading “The very first cycle”

The first visit to the doc.

After I think of a year of trying, or rather not being so diligent about not getting pregnant, we had gone for a routine check-up at our awesome family doctor, Dr. David S. I remember this being around May or June of 2014. He asked us every so casually about if we were thinking about children and if we were trying. Seeing that I was 32, perhaps I wanted to sign up and get a referral to the fertility clinic? I twisted my face and my stomach turned to knots, as there was no reason for me to see this clinic. I mean, I had technically been trying for really 6 months, and really, I wasn’t even trying. Full disclosure: I was point blank, for the first time in my marriage of 7 years doing it without protection. <>. I didn’t need a clinic! Nevertheless, good Dr. S. convinced me that a referral takes 6 months and that its better to get things “checked out” and get “information” about my cycle since my cycles could be anywhere from 35-50 days apart.

I agreed to the referral and thought nothing of it for 6 months.

November comes and the clinic day comes up.

I am at the time working Peterborough and The First Steps Fertility clinic is at Yonge and Sheppard. (Yes I was driving back forth to Peterborough everyday). Work makes a big deal out of me needing to take a sick day as the appointment is at 11am, which means I neither can drive in nor can I come after the appointment.

I panic. I call the clinic and for whatever reason I can’t speak to a secretary. I finally leave a a voicemail on the nurse’s line and beg for someone to call me because I need to change the date.

Clinic calls back and says, sure, I can change the appointment, but the next one will be in the spring time, in another 6 months. I remember wreastling with this, remember I didn’t even want to go to the clinic. Finally, Dude’s reason won. By going to the clinic we were just gathering information and that was about it. It somehow ended up that my manager, ended up being ok with me taking that sick day.

Day of appointment. Thoughts in my head.

“I’m just here for information, I’m just here for information, there is nothing wrong with me and I don’t need this clinic. I just need to understand my cycle and thats all I need them for”.

I’m prepared.

Before coming to the clinic I read that I was to have fasted for 12 hour before so I could get a bunch of blood tests. Feeling very proud of myself of this research I walked into the stark white clinic with white chairs, and white desks with some babies on the wall as trophies. In my head it was all just a false display of hope that this clinical way of getting pregnant actually worked.

The meeting of the doctor.

Really, Doctor Dickson is a fantastic visionary doctor. She sounds and feels like an authority on the subject of all things fertility. As she asked us a battery of questions, one of the best ones was when she turned to Marcin and asked, “Have you fathered a child with another woman before?”. She told us, that sometimes during this part of the appointment things can get awkward if the guy answers yes.

SIDE NOTE: Perhaps that is the real reason why with a martial secret couldn’t get pregnant. His soul has guilt about not being clean and open about his past. It just make so much sense why someone who has fathered a child in the past and never told their partner about it, couldn’t have kids. He couldn’t allow himself to it. END OF SIDE NOTE.

Ok anyway, I’m squirmming in my seat, because most couples come to the clinic ready to get their jingle on and delaration of, “I’m here to have kids”, I on the other hand had fully convinced myself that all I really needed from the clinic was to find out information about my ovulation cycle and then I could do it all on my own.

My views on IVF in 2014

Dr. D asks us what our thoughts are on IVF. I’m fully stood down the idea of IVF. I was on the thought that if I’m not supposed to have kids on my own, then its not supposed to be. Dude supports me in this  and says, “only natural baby for us”. At this point we didn’t even think that it would get to that and didn’t even want to even consider that this would be something we would need to consider.

I felt that if the Universe and the all mighty God of great miracles could create life, then I was not one to tinker with that.

My views were this strong because at the time I had seen what happens when IVF goes wrong and how many multiple babies were born at once because of IVF. The Government at the time was still not funding IVF cycles in Ontario so what most couples were doing was transferring back multiple embryos to increase their chances. I was what I saw as babies of IVF with disabilities and I for one was not going to be so desperate to have a baby with IVF.

I could do it on my own. (Ok, I needed dude too).

Dr. D impresses me.

When I expressed such huge reservations about IVF, Dr. D. told me she had been on the Ontario Government task force that was recommending and putting together a document where IVF would be funded. Dr. D. was against transferring of multiple eggs, rather more so for transfering one, and then going again with one if that didn’t take.

Oh? Really?

I think at that point, I trusted her.

 

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