We got a puppy and infertility still managed to make its presence known.

For a few months I’ve been wanting a new dog. I wasn’t set on a puppy specifically but just another being in our house. I started to look into rescues because I actually didn’t want to go through the puppy stage again. Our 7 year old dachshund had just hit half her life span and I was starting to get super reflective about what had transpired in the last 7 years.

7 years ago we both had bought cars with the thought of family. We had made sure that one was going to be a small car and another with the potential of lots of storage, a carseat and a stroller. We are now 4 and 6 months away of from paying off both cars. 

7 years ago I had just finished my post graduate degree from a college, my how time flies.

7 years ago I got a union job and the first thing I look up with their mat leave bonuses. I am probably about to leave this union job and have had such a hard time quitting. I finally understand it has to do with letting go of this thought and this bonus.

7 years ago I was 32 and still very much under that 35 mark of the peak of fertility. At age 35 your fertility goes south and your chances to natural are even more reduced.

7 years ago I remember that day when I wondered where I will be in 7 years. I am still searching. Still wondering. Still trying to find me. I thought I would have had this shit figured out by now. I am only two years away from 40 and somehow that 60 years is not as far away as it was before. I am more aware than ever that in 5 years from now my husband will be 50 and we would have been married for 19 years. At 19 years people have teenagers.

Hubby was against having a second dog. I knew that this would be a good thing and had been applying gentle relentless pressure for 6 months. He had every reason why we shouldn’t do it and I in my head I agreed with him on every point but never said I agreed out loud because then it would be game over. No second dog. I had to tread lightly.

Finally, a family member’s dog had puppies. Toy poodles. Not the ideal dog for our lifestyle but the thought of giving this puppy to a family that we didn’t know killed me and hubby as well. I also saw that my 7 year old dog was slowing down and was really showing signs of one child syndrome. Sleeping a lot and just getting needy. This was it. We were going to take this toy poodle. There were 5 in that were born and we took the male and the second to largest one.

The decision really came down to hubby deciding right before we were leaving to pick up the puppy. We had the privilege of seeing the puppies grow up from the moment they were born. Whenever hubby pick up our puppy the smile on his face just made me melt and the amount of joy the puppy brought him was really noticeable. Logically, it was crazy taking a second. How would we ever do canoe trips? A toy poodle in a canoe trip thats crazy, a hawk would eat him. Poodles get more dirty and they require grooming. The conversations we had about taking the second dog sounded like the decision to have a second child or not (minus the hawk part). More responsibility, more distraction more time, more coordination.

Its funny because even like with a second child we did zero prep for the second dog. With the first one I think I read three books and watch a ton of Youtube videos on how to train a dog. I knew everything there was to know about training a dog. I had bought all the toys and everything. I just see the parallels in so many ways. The first dog go so much attention and the second we are so chill and not stressed about now that he is with us.

I think I promised everything from the moon and back to have this puppy come home to us. I knew we needed new life in our house to bring more joy. I also didn’t want the dog sold, I wanted him to stay in the family.

We picked up the puppy on a Friday when he was 10 weeks old and over the weekend took respite in all his little things. We didn’t leave the house. It was like coming home from the hospital and just gazing at this tiny creature.

Finally, I did the announcement of course on social media. First on Instagram, because thats safe. Nobody I really know sees it there and then on Facebook. So far its received about 80 “likes” and almost the same amount of comments of congratulations.

This is what I wrote:

After months of debating if we should have another, we are happy to announce the arrival of our new baby boy 👦. Welcoming to our pack is Misio (said: Meesho aka Teddy). 

Mom and Dad are doing great and are well on their way to toilet training Misio outside three days post coming home. 

What an exciting way to start the year!

He is a Toy Poodle 🐩 from mother in laws doggie. 

All puppies have gone to the closest family and none were sold.#yourbeautyblooming

After that I sat down on my kitchen floored and cried. I think I realized in that moment what that post and puppy represented. I unknowingly was filling a hole. I didn’t realize it until this stupid social media announcement. Its how people announce the birth of their new baby. The one month mark, the two month mark etc. They said, “mom and dad are doing great”. This could be the closest I could ever get to announcing the expansion of my family, instead of two legs its four.

Is it another distraction? Possibly. We have not resolved what we are going to do next with fertility. I can’t imagine being 50 and not having one child. I just can’t. It scares the living day light out of me. Its just not possible and its just so unjust and so unfair. This whole baby making affair is supposed to be free. The puppy was free.

Bear at 10 weeks old

The triggers are starting to pop up for me more and more. Even watching a stupid comedy with Robin Williams where a family goes on an RV trip together to bond was a trigger.

We are looking to do a year long trip in an RV and looking at the options and possibilities. I’m watching these you tubers who are full time RVers go and live full time in an RV with their family.

While its true family life is messy and not pink with roses but life isn’t supposed to be all beautiful. Life is messy and complicated.

After this announcement of the puppy, I felt so incredibly emotionally raw. Thankfully it was my day off and a drowned myself in mindless Netflix videos. It just hit me hard, again. That trauma part of brain took over and stayed there for a day like a cloud.

I think if money wasn’t a factor I don’t think I could do a pregnancy because it would be too much for me emotionally. If money wasn’t a factor I would do IVF again and surrogacy. I just wish it wasn’t that complicated.

So there you have it. A simply social media post about us getting a new puppy, which is a really joyful event sucked me back to infertility. Its an awful thing because it fucking never goes away. I don’t think about this, but its always beneath the surface.

I am really happy that we have another dog and he will bring us so much joy, I just need to navigate this part all over again.

The day we brought Bear home.

#toypoodle #infertility #socialmediapost #7yearitch #seconddog

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“You should’ve asked” A pictorial on women’s mental load and the work they do

Just to change it up this week, lets talk about women’s mental load. While the fertility community is wrapped up in creating babies, the conversation that should be started at the same time and reviewed is what happens to women after the babes are here. When I went to a naturopath three years ago to look into why I’m not getting pregnant, I was intrigued that she started the conversation of, “why do you want to have children, is this because you want to or because you are supposed to do”. While a controversial question, and probably many women would be taken aback [‘why are you asking this just fix me and not question my motivation] I think it’s a valid question and so needed.

It took me ten long years to get to the answer of “yes, this is for me”, but still in my dark days wrapped up in the scope of fertility treatments, I asked myself who is this really for and if I’m fulfilling some need or just doing it because that’s what family wants?

I do look at this cartoon and hope for the best. I don’t know if I could go through another round of treatment and my head is coming around to the fact that I think I would be Ok with one genetic offspring and are open to adopting an older child, like a teen.

The workload for women never does stop.

I am grateful right now that I don’t have a care in the world and sometimes imagine what it would mean to take care of another human being 24/7. My body tells me that I think I could do one, but more then one would be overwhelming.

Let’s make sure to discuss expectations we have of each other as a couple before the baby come or before even the pregnancy. After all, if my big thing is balance and good mental health, then setting up expectations beforehand would save a lot of arguments and meltdowns.

I hope that with the looming embryo transfer that is coming up Husband and I can take a look at this cartoon below and have a very good deep conversation.

Please make sure to comment below about your thoughts. Feedback is always appreciated!

Emma

Here is the english version of my now famous “Fallait demander” !

Thanks Una from unadtranslation.com for the translation 🙂

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Having kids is irrational. They do not make us happier.

Mothering and workI often read Penelope Trunk. She is an interesting writer and often has an interesting point of view. I wanted to share her latest post as it’s a bit controversial but as women, we really need, to be honest with ourselves as to what do we really want. Supposedly we can have it all and are encouraged to “Lean in”, but ask any women who have two kids under the age of 5, a job and is still married, ask her how is she balancing her life even beyond the early years. It again goes back to my post “My friend Patricia. I’m sorry”. and her choice to stay home. Staring down the gun of an embryo transfer, I do question, why am I doing this? Why is it that as a woman I would like to be a mother? Fertility is such a funny thing, it makes you really think about your choices because they are right there in your face.

The question of what is a mother, does that always equate a mother and child? Can a woman equally have a strong relationship like this in a different form? I don’t know, because I have been on the other side, and the funny thing is, once you are on the other side, you can’t go back!

For three years, I took part of taking care of over 80 kids under that age 5, in an early childhood center, at times happy to have them go back home so I could take a break. I have worked with students since I can remember. I formed strong relationships and I know I have impacted their lives. I’ve learned lots about myself through my interactions with them. Is the term mother, just a reference to a mother and child or can it be towards another type of relationship? I mother my event clients. I coached them and take care of them, I house them and often feed them. I hear someone on the other side of this screen screaming at me, “it’s not the same thing”. No, it’s not, but honestly, let’s divide and conquer this mothering definition. As it stands, it means, “giving birth to”, “bringing up a child with care and affection”, a “woman in relation to her child or children”. A mother shouldn’t equate martyr.

Perhaps I’m on the side of this equation and I really don’t understand when I say, I want to be me first, then wife, then mother.  Is this balance even achievable? In another viewpoint, assuming you find mothering rewarding……

“the meaning of being a mother is virtually endless. A mother is a protector, disciplinarian, and friend. A mother is a selfless, loving human who must sacrifice many of their wants and needs for the wants and needs of their children. A mother works hard to make sure their child is equipped with the knowledge, skills, and abilities to make it as a competent human being. Being a mother is perhaps the hardest, most rewarding job a woman will ever experience”

I do believe that I (women) need to make a choice between that big ass career and a family. I don’t think it’s actually possible to be fully 100% engaged in both.  Anne-Marie Slaughter, writer of a well-known Atlantic article about this, “routinely got reactions from other women her age or older that ranged from disappointed (“It’s such a pity that you had to leave Washington”) to condescending (“I wouldn’t generalize from your experience. I’ve never had to compromise, and my kids turned out great”)”.

It’s time to stop fooling ourselves, says Anne, who left a position of power: the women who have managed to be both mothers and top professionals are superhuman, rich, or self-employed (although this requires being argued too). If we truly believe in equal opportunity for all women, something has to change, specifically how women who don’t have kids are valued more than those with a family.

This is why Penelope’s post make me think.

The post below is directly from her blog, I just couldn’t chop it up, it was too good. She just makes me things about things I don’t want to think about.

Continue reading “Having kids is irrational. They do not make us happier.”