Dear newly starting out infertility couple.
If you don’t watch the show “This is us” then you missed out on Season three where the main character Kate goes to a fertility doctor with her husband to discuss IVF. She is told that due to her weight she has a 90% chance of having complications and IVF not working. IVF also know has Invitro Fertilization is where the egg and sperm are fertilized outside of the body in a petri dish.
When you enter that clinic you enter because you are either at the end of your rope because nothing is working or are just trying to figure things out. We all enter that clinic looking for answers and hope. That first meeting may give you a lot of hope after you’ve discussed with your doctor your history. One of the oddest questions they will ask your male partner (assuming you are heterosexual) is if he had children with anyone else. Now, I hope, for your sake, you know that answer to this.
Most clinics will then do a battery of tests on you and blood tests and you’ll come back to see what is going on. You, my female friend will go through your first cycle monitoring and be shocked by the amount of poking and prodding you will experience, but there will be hope. You’ll be riding on hope.
Most clinics will want to dive straight into IVF because they have the most medical control in that situation.
The chances of IVF working in a woman who has PCOS (like me) and IVF working at all is about 48%. What most people don’t know is that there are five parts to IVF not one.
PART 1: The ACTUAL growing of more than an abnormal amount of eggs in your ovaries to be retrieved. This doesn’t mean its over, it means that for five days after that you need to wait and see if any of the egg and sperm fertilize. What Kate was told about the 90% chance of success rate is the probably of an actual live birth and baby not the IVF operation part succeeding. The part after the fertilization.
PART 2. Retrieval of the eggs. You go under and they put a needle the size of your arm, thats from your elbow down in to your beautiful punanie.
PART 3. Growing of the fertilized eggs in a lab.
PART 4. Going back a few weeks later to re-insert the fertilized egg(s) into the woman body
PART 5: THE WORST PART which is the two week wait which if equvilant to self torture.
PART 6: The phone call. This phone call is from the nurse who says, congrats you are pregnant and won the lottery or nope, try again. Do no pass GO do not collect $200.
Dear Kate, I constructed this outline to you because I do want to lay out some facts, figures and a reality check. I know you don’t want it right now as you are in the hands of doctors who have given you hope and I just want to let you know a few things I had known.
Lets talk about Sex.
You need to have non baby making sex. There I said it. It will happen. You’ll end up having just fertility sex. Timed sex. The goodness of sex will just get zapped out of it. I know you’ve heard this, but it will and is going to happen.
You need acupuncture. You need to do it before you start any kind of fertility procedures. It balances out your body and your mind. Find a really good one that studied in China.
You will get triggered. As soon you start infertility anything you will have trauma. You’ll walk out with trauma. It doesn’t even matter how much you mediate but you’ll be traumatized by the experience. You’ll post a picture that you got a new puppy and realize that this may be the closest you’ll ever get to showing the world that your family is expanding. You’ll be at a wedding and their show baby photos of the bride and groom. You’ll watch a comedy where there is a family and realize you don’t have a family. Triggers will be everywhere.
People will give you really stupid advice because they are trying to be sincere. It will happen. They will tell you to adopt. The will tell you to relax. They will tell you believe in the truth of the Lord. They will tell you it happen if its supposed to happen and other such conversations. Then you’ll meet other women who had infertility and how have kids and they will tell you how they cured themselves of infertility. Which doctor you should go to. What medication to take and so on. You will get upset. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Infertility shouldn’t stop your life
I had a psychologist ask me, “what is it that you do for fun” and when I was really deep in the infertility world I honestly couldn’t answer the question. I couldn’t remember. Thats when I started to play with make up. It gave me an outlet and something else to think about. Balance is so important. Go back doing to what you love. You’ll need it and include cat videos in that equation.
Support group is important
It is so important to find a support group that is FAMILY centred. What I mean by this is that the men are involved group as well. As much as they think this doesn’t affect them it does. Infertility is constantly on the surface of something and you do need to hear other perspectives.
I think I’ve written about this before but you will be triggered. Even if you decide to stop infertility it will still be there. It is for us. It never goes away.
👨💻Watching “#ThisisUS” and the story of Kate and Toby doing IVF gave me a whiplash back to my own infertility. Hubby and I actually paused at this point in the show and reflected on our days at the clinic (which are not over).
I remembered the 💉shots, the day of the retrieval and the golf ball size ovaries that I could feel through my stomach, waking up and feeling like was run over by a truck . In the show they talked about #IVF as an operation, because it is. Your hand is size of the needle they use to get the eggs out.
🔕This topic never goes away. One thing they never tell you when you get on the train 🚆of trying “fix” your fertility is that its not a train you can get off of. The show did such a good job talking about comments I received like “it will happen for you” or “just adopt”. No, these are not appropriate❌. They talked about the cost (💲20,000) and PCOS, which is so common amongst women.
It is no longer the first thing I think 💬 about when I wake up. I do not talk about or write as much about it, but infertility is everywhere for me. Its a subtext to so many decisions that we have made over the last 7️⃣ years. From the kind of car I bought, to the type of work I chose, the kind of pictures we have in the house, the kind of dog we have. Small decisions along the way but they are everywhere.
If you like gambling🃏 then you’ll like IVF. Its the same thing and your chances of winning are the same. 50/50
Two women I know just got their miracle children after many years of morning appointments, needles, acupuncture and one needed to remove an ovary.
For those folks out there who just decided to have a family and just did, you are the lucky ones. ➿
I am the 1 in 3.
You can read more about this here: www.soulandfertility.com