My friend Patricia. I’m sorry.

When I met Patricia almost four years ago, I saw her as a career women who was wasting away her life by just staying at home. To me the real women were those that were out there in the world working and being independent. I was taught, never ever EVER be dependant on a man and always have your own career. So far, I have managed this (apart from three years when I was career transitioning). Patricia has twins. When I first met her I had a feeling that there was more to the story of her kids than just met the eye. Still, I saw her as an example of a woman who didn’t, “Lean In”.  

When I met Patricia, the idea of fertility treatments were not really formulated and if you had told me I was about to be preparing for IVF, I would have told you that you were crazy, that I would have never be doing such a thing.

I didn’t understand at the time when Patrica said to me, “I worked this hard to have my children, and at the end of mat leave I decided not to go back. If I had worked so hard to have them, whey should anyone else be taking care of them other than me?”

Remember that I was still in the mind set that women who had kids were in the process of ruining their lives. While I was warming up to the idea of children, I was adament about the fact that I would under no circumstances be allowing them to change how I worked. I would always have a career and job and benefits and run a company and….and…..and….

I never understood when someone close to me said, “You need to really choose what is important to you. Having children is a sacrifice, so what are you willing to let go of?”. My answer, nothing. I wanted to let go of nothing.

I understand Patrica now.

My new found reality is that I AM WORKING HARD to have this child. My child. Our child. I have worked on myself spiritually releasing and letting go of so much. Surrendering. Not resisting. Allowing.

I’m so sorry Patricia for having judged you so harshly. I critiqued your choice of staying home. I did North American society does, not recognizing the work that goes into parenting and kids. Not recognizing what kind of choice you actually did. I get it. I totally get how hard you worked to have your kids. The amount of patience it takes to go through all of this. How committed one must be to do fertility treatments. I’m doing it now. Thank you for always being so open about being there.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The Impact of Patricia

Patrica has shared many things with me. She has also helped Dude and I have more in-depth conversations about how he is feeling about this whole IVE process. She doesn’t even know she has done this but now she will know.

Patricia doesn’t know that her calmness and strength just help me believe that IVF works. She gets all the moving parts of this process.

There is no else I could ask for during the time of the transfer to be there. I can’t even describe it, but its this unbreakable belief.

You are a star Patrica.

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A love letter to my ovaries. A ritual.

dear-ovariesWhy am I talking to my ovaries?

I admit that the IVF process is completely unnatural. It has taken me a long, long, long time to get to this point and be OK with it. I believe that everything has energy and talking to certain parts of our bodies actually soothes any anxiety that body part is experiencing. brings focus, attention, mindfulness and and awareness to what is about to happen. I’m explaining the process of IVF to my ovaries.

Hypnosis.

When I went to my first session of hypnosis with Shawn (female), she immediately told me to talk to my ovaries and explain to my eggs what will be happening. It struck me as odd, but it in another way totally makes total sense. Shawn said, “tell your ovaries the process that is about to happen and that the eggs are safe being out of your body. When you start IVF, really start talking to your ovaries and start assuring them”.

Body awareness

A few years back when I did a week long yoga/mindfulness  program, I was asked to turn off my cell phone during the day. By the end of the week, I starting noticing that every time I got a text message, my body contracted….. every…… so…… slightly. I usually wouldn’t even really notice this slight contraction, but because I was so centred and feeling mindful, that I noticed every little change in my body. I noticed how my heart just jumped a little. My pulse increase for that one extra second. If from a simple text message, my body contracted, imagine how the ovaries (and eggs) must feel in the situation I’m putting them in.

I’m asking them to:

  1. Produce an abnormal amount of eggs, aiming for around ten at once instead of the normal one at a time
  2. Allow some foreign object to retrieve them (the eggs) and then
  3. Pull the eggs outside of what is the only environment that the eggs know.
  4. On top of that we are asking them to work in this strange environment that they have never experienced before to start creating a baby.
  5. We will then (eggs) biopsy you to check for chromosomal abnormalities, so make you are performing well!
  6. Oh yes, by the way eggs, you will be frozen
  7. Then we will pick just one of you to put back and we hope you are not traumazied too much to then produce a healthy bouncing baby.

If I were my eggs, I would have sent a strongly worded letter demanding an explanation.

Our bodies are more than just science, everything has a spirit in it.

We are talking to my eggs and ovaries explaining them the process everyday and telling them they are safe as well that we are grateful for the work they are putting in to make this possible.

Before the needle our ritual.

As Marcin prepares the needle, I sit on the couch and just focus on my breathing and allowing the surrender to happen.

Marcin comes, and everyday day the needle goes either in the left or right side of my stomach. He puts his hand on the side that is about to receive the needle and we begin talking to my ovaries and describing….

Love Letter to my ovaries

Marcin….

Thank you ovaries for recieving this drug. Thank you in recieving this magical potion that we assure you is safe and that you are safe to receive.

Me….

Dear ovaries,

I just want to let you know what will be happening to you but first I want to let you know you are safe. In the next ten days or so, there will be a doctor who will be taking out all the wonderful eggs and they will be coming out of our body. The eggs, will be going to the spa. There are wonderful people who are going to be taking care of the eggs. Ovaries, I want you to know that the eggs that you produced are going to be safe. They are going to be put in this amazing nutricious liquid where they will be babied, and pampered and lots of pictures will taken of them.

The eggs you produce will be celebries and they will bask in the light of all the attention that they will be getting. I’m getting excited for the eggs, I mean who doesn’t want some pampering before they really need to work?

After five days after the they are retrieved of us (our body) they will be put to sleep. They get to go for a rest and sleep so they can get ready to be put back and make that wonderful baby. Most eggs and sperm don’t get so much time to get aquained with each other, but on top of the spa, there will be a person by the name of embriologist, and he will be pick the most handsome of sperm and they will fight to get married with the eggs that you produced.

As you can see Ovaries, the eggs you produce are perfectly safe because after all of the they get to be transfered back to the warm and juicy environment of the uterus. Everything will be ready for the strongest egg and sperm connection to come back. It will be such an amazing environment. Let the ovaries know they are safe. They are safe.

The most amazing thing about this

My body now looks forward to the needle. I don’t see the needle as sharpe but life giving. I don’t feel scared about the procedure. I’m looking forward to it.

Dr. Edward Ryan an angel in human form

Background

In spring of 2016 I started to get frustrated with Dr. Dickson, not because she was going anything wrong, it’s just I needed someone who was willing to be more “out there” with me. Someone who understand and believe the mind-body-spirit connection. I called a friend and found out where she went ten years ago and she said, Dr. Ryan. Initially I had wanted to change clinics in but that required a referral and more waiting so instead I changed doctors at *Anova to Dr. Belej-Rak. I still did a referral to Dr. Ryan in April of 2016 for an appointment in July 2016 just in case things wouldn’t have worked out at Anova.

It ended up that I never switched clinics to Dr. Ryan, but whenever I mentioned his name to clinicians, everyone’s face would just light up and so much joy would come beaming out.

When I went to see Shawn,my hypnotherapist, she said she had worked with him in years past when he was a obstricition and she was a mid-wife, this was in the 80’s.  She had nothing but good things to say about him. During that appointment, we agreed that Dr. Ryan was my third connection “My je-nais-sa-quois”. There was no doubt that before I was to start IVF I needed to see Dr. Ryan.

Dr. Ryan became my muse, the doc. I just needed to see because I believed his energy and his belief in the miraculous mystery of baby making (plus his enormous spirit) was my missing link in the process of IVF. From what I have gathered, Dr. Ryan was a pioneer of IVF in Toronto. Its said, that whenever he does a procedure, at the end of it, he lifts his hands up to the sky and looks up, knowing that truly life is a miracle.

My appointment in July got cancelled.

I had another appointment set up for September but I had to cancel.

I finally got another appointment for end of November, and I messed up the time by an hour and missed the appointment.

We finally went to dinner to Patricia’s and Marcin heard us talking about Dr. Ryan. I finally expressed why it was so important to see him. As each time I was going to see Dr. Ryan Marcin was going to go and didn’t understand why I was going to see another doctor when we were heavily engaged with Anova.

To the final appointment I had booked, Marcin came and it worked out. We saw Dr. Ryan together.

While all this may sound insignificant, there is something about this man.

I am told he is the original Doctor in Toronto who started doing IVF. Everyone in the community of fertility medicine knows him. He is a big, burly Irish man who gives the best bear hugs. He has been around since the 1980’s, this man has seen everything.

Legend has it, that when he transfers the fertilized egg back, he lift both his arms up towards the sky, a signal that it’s now out of his hands. Medicine really can only take it so far, then its up to  a force that is stronger than us. Dr. Ryan sees himself as the facilitator of that magic, and the patient has to believe as much as he does in this magic.

Indeed, after the appointment, I felt so much stronger, ground going into IVF with the belief that this works.

He gave us so much good information about genetic testing, called “PGS”. Told that they way to increase sperm quality is to take an enzyme CoQ10.

He went through everything in detail about my file and said to keep in touch with him because he wants to know.

I walked out of that appointment so happy to have met him knowing that there is someone I can turn to if needed for a second opinion.

One of the very few doctors who believes in God and a High Power of the Universe.

We have angels walking around us and Spirit guides. 
He is one of the angels.  
We just need to trust. 
This is what I learned from Dr. Ryan.

 

To book an appointment with Dr. Ryan, please ask for a referral from your family doctor. Suite 100, 56 Aberfoyle Crescent, Etobicoke, ON M8X 2W4

Phone:(416) 231-4100

Affirmations

My affirmations in this process are:

I welcome my child with love and courage

I am grateful and overjoyed to be pregnant

 

November 18, 2016
Affirmations
Words of Wisdom

by Madisyn Taylor

 

Our minds accept as truth the critical statements we tell ourselves, but it can also accept our positive affirmations.

The words we speak and think hold great sway over the kind of life that we create for ourselves. Many people live their lives plagued by negative thoughts and never even realize this. They tell themselves and others that they are doomed to fail, not good enough, or not worthy of love, yet they are amazed when their reality starts reflecting these words. Just as the subconscious mind accepts as truth the critical statements we tell ourselves, however, it is also equipped to instantly accept the veracity of our affirmations.

Affirmations are statements chosen and spoken consciously. Once they enter our realm of consciousness, they also enter our subconscious mind where they have the power to change our lives. The affirmations you create should be specific, not too long, worded positively, formed in complete sentences, and spoken in the present tense as if what you are affirming is already true. It is a good idea to repeat your affirmations daily. You may want to tell yourself that you deserve to be happy or that you are in control of your destiny. Or, you may want to focus on a particular goal, such as attracting new friends. Rather than telling yourself you want to be well-liked, say, “I am well-liked.” Your subconscious mind will pick up on these positive messages, and you will begin to live your life as if what you are affirming already has happened. Soon, your reality will begin to reflect your affirmations. If you find that you are thwarting yourself with negative thinking, try repeating your affirmations several times a day. Write your affirmations down and say them aloud or in your mind. Allow your conviction to grow stronger each time you say your affirmations, and your negativity will be overridden by your motivation and positive thoughts.

Affirmations are a powerful tool for creating our desired reality. We consciously and subconsciously invite opportunity into our lives when we say affirmations. Trust in the power of your affirmations, and you will very quickly create what you have already stated to be true.

Continue reading “Affirmations”

My soul contract

Before you entered this physical time and space your soul made an agreement. Before you came into human form, your soul had specific purpose or destiny that it had agreed to fulfil. This destiny was written and is your Soul Contract.

When my brother was born I was nine years old.

I remember coming back home from school and my mom was running upstairs at 3pm still in the same state that I left her when I was going to school. I remember this so clearly because as a nine-year old to see your mom so overwhelmed and not with it – well it left a deep impression. I remember she was wearing her night-gown and it was either green or pink bathrobe. She was running up and down between rooms upstairs and told me she has not eaten yet. I didn’t understand why or show she could have allowed herself to not get dressed or eat.

I was told many times before and after my brother was born that my mom and her brother had a really good relationship. I remember clearly making my mind up that I would never fight with my brother because I didn’t want to be THAT sister. I wanted to be helpful and be a guardian for him. I vowed I would take care of him and make sure he was always safe. In a nine year old I translated that to being more than just a sister.

At this age I also realized how much energy and time a child takes. At a young age I questioned why would ever I want to have kids if this is how much time and effort it took? I vowed that I wouldn’t have any children till my brother was independent enough that he didn’t need me. This was my soul contract I created in the mind of a nine year old.

Throughout his growing up, I’ve helped in his development. One of the most significant ones was when he was in grade nine. I don’t remember the exact timeline, but was had a one bedroom apartment, he was not doing well in school, and I got a frantic phone call that I had to do something to make it better. My brother ended up living with us for a few months. It was a hard time but we were all going to push through this. Even when he had given  up on himself in ways that I can even begin to describe, there was no bloody way he was going to be able to push me away. I wouldn’t give up on him. If I had to take him kicking and screaming I would have. This taught me a lot about simply not giving up on  people and especially family.

I don’t even remember at what point, but somewhere around him entering University, he got mad at me and finally told me, I need you to be my sister and not my mom. That period took some adjusting as I realized how much in my own behaviour I would ‘mother’ him and that wasn’t ok. He was right. This also taught me how much we just fall into prescribed roles and how important it is to take a step back and reflect.

I’m so proud of him for pushing through and graduating. It was just amazing just seeing him finish.

It actually coincided this year when I started taking fertility treatments seriously and I committed to them and the process.

He is launched and I had graduted along with him and was ready to bring a child into this world. Completing whatever there is left in my soul contract.

Continue reading “My soul contract”

The question that turned my world upside down,”Universe, what is next?”

New job started Sept. 2015

Retreat took place Oct. 2015
Inner Journey Intensive

This blog is a little tricky to write because it deals with my employment but its essential to the current journey and outcome. I want to pre-empt this post and say that all these emotions happened at the start and do not necessarily express how I feel right now. 

In August 2015, I was coming back from a dream vacation. As I sat there deeply connected to nature and everything around me, I asked the Universe the question, “Ok Universe, whats next”. The result of that question turned my world upside down in ways I couldn’t have even expected. It was in many ways a test and a final pull towards what is happening right now in the journey towards mothering and IVF. If you are not serious about what is next, honestly, don’t ask the question as the Universe will give it you.

If you have heard this story from me before, you can skip ahead a bit, but if not, keep reading. Next thing I know I get a text message from the coordinator at work who I have not talked in months as we got the summer off (unpaid). She said there is a new position that I should apply for and that I need to send my resume right away. I’m sitting at that point in the airport with nothing but my phone and my resume is on my computer on the other side of the country. I totally wasn’t interested in a new position and neither was  I looking for one.

Lesson one:
If you are not ready to change jobs don’t do it. I learned that you need to be mentally ready to separate from the job. I loved my job and was willing to drive to it 1.15min every day. I loved everything about it.

I relented and finally said I would send in my resume but honestly I really didn’t want to. Within a couple of days, I got an interview and then a follow-up phone call. The thing is that before they offered me the position I cried uncontrollably for three days. I had hoped that they wouldn’t give me the position so I wouldn’t need to make a decision and go anywhere. I grew up at this job. Yes there was bullying going on but management was amazing and I was so respected throughout the college. I still miss it to this day.

When they finally gave me the position, I cried again. I was so sad and I didn’t want to go anywhere.

Lesson two:
If you are crying uncontrollably for three days before a major decision, perhaps it’s not time yet to change.

I consulted a few people and then I consulted one final person who at the end of the phone call I decided that will take the new position said, “Good, you are finally growing into adulthood”. At the time I didn’t know what she meant. I think what it actually meant, was my final ascent into this journey of where I am at the present moment as presently I’m shedding and walking through to another life. This life is not one I’ll be coming back to.

Lesson Three:
We can’t always see what others see about our future.

Three things that happened at the new job:

ONE: Lets be frank, my first six months of this job were gonzo strenuous hard. I don’t remember being so stressed. I was also now driving 1.5 hours one way and sometimes up to 2 hours back because of traffic. I can’t really go into how I felt about them during that time are things that can only be written a private journal or over coffee and I still want my benefits. Within a week, I regretted my decision about leaving and I even tried to go back to my old job. I don’t know how I managed to survive beyond my six months but somehow I’m still there and every so grateful everyday for the benefits.

TWO: I had to stop all fertility treatments that I had planned for myself for September of 2015. That wasn’t too bad as I initially took on the attitude that this was my opportunity to show the clinic that I didn’t really need them. I was also super stressed and gained weight.

THREE: I went to the Inner Journey Retreat in October, one and half months after I started the job. There is a distinct before I went to Inner Journey attitude I had towards the job and post Inner Journey attitude.

What happened during The Inner Journey Retreat.

I went to the retreat with a know it all attitude. Seriously, sometimes I wonder about myself. I told them that the reason I was there was because I wanted to reach another level of enlightenment of some bullshit like that.

The retreat and the way its set up was amazing.

Its five men and five women supported by 6 facilitators and at least 40 volunteers supporting the ten participants. It was a love fest of epic porportions. Their intent is for you have a transformational journey. The men and women were separated for two of the three days. It was made for sense of bonding. I didn’t allow myself to fully be in all the exercises because it would have meant that all these people would have – seen me. I still keep people at a distance, because a part of my childhood imprints is that everyone eventually leaves so it’s not safe to be fully vulnerable.

On the very last day of the retreat, I finally realized what was going on with me. Why was I so angry at the world and at the job.

As it came my turn to talk something came over me and I started to cry. I bellowed out like a hurt animal and realized what happened.

I blamed work for making me give up my plans to start fertility treatments and the start of my family.

I had waited so long to do this and now I had to delay again.

Since I was driving toward the Kitchener -Waterloo area everyday, it was impossible to go to the clinic at 7am and still make it in time. At least when I was driving to Peterborough I didn’t have to face traffic. I knew if I finished an appointment at 8am I could make it in for 9:15am. Now this was impossible going the other direction. Leaving Toronto at 8am meant an hour and half drive.

When I think of this moment, my heart goes back there and it tears me up.

Is this why I was crying before I left my other job? The one that I loved and adored. My coordinator at my old job under estimated how much I loved my work. I had a lot of freedom there.

I cried and cried in that spiritual circle and all my vulnerabilities just spilled out. No more mask. Another shift happened on that retreat. Another nudge and a shedding of a skin.

When I went back to work after the retreat, I felt I was a new person. I was buzzing for three days and it felt like I had a double skin. Anything anyone said I had no reaction. I was so much at peace.

I had wanted a “spiritual awakening” at the retreat. I had no idea that my awakening was going to look completely different from I had expected.

Trust in the Universe to provide, but the HOW is up to IT.

 

 

 

The very first cycle

First cycle occured: Nov-Dec. 2014.

No one understands how fertility clinics work till you’ve gone to one. I could explain to you till I’m blue in the face but you won’t get how it feels to sit in waiting room bursting with women of all ages and ALL paths who are waiting for their internal ultrasound to be done and their blood to be taken. You can try, but I forgive you that you won’t really understand. Its a place the only people who have gone understand.

After the first fertility appointment I agree that I should do a monitored cycle. I stipulated that is must be non-medicated as what I wanted was from this cycle was….information….about me! I wanted a baseline. The clinic of course was very keen on jumping ahead and giving me medication.

After my first three ultra sound appointments and blood work, I came home PHYSICALLY SICK. I felt drained, exhausted as if someone had taken all my energy out of me through that ultra sound. My brain was so against getting tested that it reacted physically. Its amazing the mind body connection. We don’t give credit to our mind-body connection enough.

What was happening was I was taking on all those other women’s desperation.

What was happening was that I was allowing myself to be a victim to the clinic.

What was happening was my mind and body were off. One was saying on thing and the other way saying something else.

I needed to take my POWER back and decide that I will not take on anyone else’s energy and I will make it my choice to be going to the clinic. After I realized what was going on, I stopped being physically ill after being at the clinic and I centred myself. I knew I could go on as I had chosen. I made sure to shield myself from the energies of others as well.

I realized there was nothing “wrong” with me and that even though I was going to a doctor and doing these medical tests, I had a choice of how I perceived my reality. I was not a victim to these tests.

This first cycle I went through the whole process, I remember it a bit of a blur, but I remember that morning crowd and the good Doctor D. telling me she thinks I have PCOS (*Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) except I’m the skinny type.

I remember it being December. We were planning to drive to Atlanta to visit Sol and I walk in in the morning and the doctor took my little ultra sound paper and he looked at my excitedly and said, “I think you’ve ovulated”, let me give you a drugs to help trigger everything.

I looked at him like he was crazy. I had said no drugs this cycle. For whatever reason I wasn’t ready yet to trigger a pregnancy. I was getting there but I wasn’t ready for the committment yet.

The doc. told me the clinic would call and let me know if I had ovulated on my own based on my blood work results. I think we were supposed to be going to Atlanta the next day.

The phone call came and the excited nurse said I didn’t need to come to the clinic because I had in fact done it all on my own. The instructions were to have have timed intercourse over the next three days.

I put down the phone and wondered if I should even tell Dude. What would happen if I didn’t tell him? Would he be mad at me if didn’t know but then found out. I finally decided to tell him and he shrugged and said, “Ok”. I have taught him over the years to show no excitment about any of this so he was tredding lightly.

It ended up being that I didn’t follow the instructions fully and didn’t end up getting preganant.

This was the last time that I would have ovulated on my own.

In many ways I regret not following through, but its ok. I wasn’t fully ready. My journey wasn’t complete yet. Now its complete. You are never ready, but in my case, there is a time where it feels right and aligned. Now is that time.

*Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a set of symptoms due to elevated androgens (male hormones) in women. Signs and symptoms of PCOS include irregular or no menstrual periods, heavy periods, excess body and facial hair, acne, pelvic pain, difficulty getting pregnant, and patches of thick, darker, velvety skin.

Continue reading “The very first cycle”

The first visit to the doc.

After I think of a year of trying, or rather not being so diligent about not getting pregnant, we had gone for a routine check-up at our awesome family doctor, Dr. David S. I remember this being around May or June of 2014. He asked us every so casually about if we were thinking about children and if we were trying. Seeing that I was 32, perhaps I wanted to sign up and get a referral to the fertility clinic? I twisted my face and my stomach turned to knots, as there was no reason for me to see this clinic. I mean, I had technically been trying for really 6 months, and really, I wasn’t even trying. Full disclosure: I was point blank, for the first time in my marriage of 7 years doing it without protection. <>. I didn’t need a clinic! Nevertheless, good Dr. S. convinced me that a referral takes 6 months and that its better to get things “checked out” and get “information” about my cycle since my cycles could be anywhere from 35-50 days apart.

I agreed to the referral and thought nothing of it for 6 months.

November comes and the clinic day comes up.

I am at the time working Peterborough and The First Steps Fertility clinic is at Yonge and Sheppard. (Yes I was driving back forth to Peterborough everyday). Work makes a big deal out of me needing to take a sick day as the appointment is at 11am, which means I neither can drive in nor can I come after the appointment.

I panic. I call the clinic and for whatever reason I can’t speak to a secretary. I finally leave a a voicemail on the nurse’s line and beg for someone to call me because I need to change the date.

Clinic calls back and says, sure, I can change the appointment, but the next one will be in the spring time, in another 6 months. I remember wreastling with this, remember I didn’t even want to go to the clinic. Finally, Dude’s reason won. By going to the clinic we were just gathering information and that was about it. It somehow ended up that my manager, ended up being ok with me taking that sick day.

Day of appointment. Thoughts in my head.

“I’m just here for information, I’m just here for information, there is nothing wrong with me and I don’t need this clinic. I just need to understand my cycle and thats all I need them for”.

I’m prepared.

Before coming to the clinic I read that I was to have fasted for 12 hour before so I could get a bunch of blood tests. Feeling very proud of myself of this research I walked into the stark white clinic with white chairs, and white desks with some babies on the wall as trophies. In my head it was all just a false display of hope that this clinical way of getting pregnant actually worked.

The meeting of the doctor.

Really, Doctor Dickson is a fantastic visionary doctor. She sounds and feels like an authority on the subject of all things fertility. As she asked us a battery of questions, one of the best ones was when she turned to Marcin and asked, “Have you fathered a child with another woman before?”. She told us, that sometimes during this part of the appointment things can get awkward if the guy answers yes.

SIDE NOTE: Perhaps that is the real reason why with a martial secret couldn’t get pregnant. His soul has guilt about not being clean and open about his past. It just make so much sense why someone who has fathered a child in the past and never told their partner about it, couldn’t have kids. He couldn’t allow himself to it. END OF SIDE NOTE.

Ok anyway, I’m squirmming in my seat, because most couples come to the clinic ready to get their jingle on and delaration of, “I’m here to have kids”, I on the other hand had fully convinced myself that all I really needed from the clinic was to find out information about my ovulation cycle and then I could do it all on my own.

My views on IVF in 2014

Dr. D asks us what our thoughts are on IVF. I’m fully stood down the idea of IVF. I was on the thought that if I’m not supposed to have kids on my own, then its not supposed to be. Dude supports me in this  and says, “only natural baby for us”. At this point we didn’t even think that it would get to that and didn’t even want to even consider that this would be something we would need to consider.

I felt that if the Universe and the all mighty God of great miracles could create life, then I was not one to tinker with that.

My views were this strong because at the time I had seen what happens when IVF goes wrong and how many multiple babies were born at once because of IVF. The Government at the time was still not funding IVF cycles in Ontario so what most couples were doing was transferring back multiple embryos to increase their chances. I was what I saw as babies of IVF with disabilities and I for one was not going to be so desperate to have a baby with IVF.

I could do it on my own. (Ok, I needed dude too).

Dr. D impresses me.

When I expressed such huge reservations about IVF, Dr. D. told me she had been on the Ontario Government task force that was recommending and putting together a document where IVF would be funded. Dr. D. was against transferring of multiple eggs, rather more so for transfering one, and then going again with one if that didn’t take.

Oh? Really?

I think at that point, I trusted her.

 

My declaration of 3 years past and how I healed.

If you read my first post at the very bottom I describe a sort of spiritual awakening. It’s no coincidence that whist working with Sabrina Heartsong that the awakening of me thinking about that I could have a child with my husband entered my mind. I took one step forward and examined this with great curiosity. Full disclosure, up till this moment out of the fear of getting pregnant I never allowed any fun in the bedroom unless there was protection happening all the way around, although I have never in my life taken the pill. It was just all drug store protection.

Looking back now, it was that Christmas when dude’s family came from Europe when we one night giggling like children we cautioulsy declared to his family that starting from this Christmas we will start “trying” and with caution the family declared, “yay, congratulations”.

What family thought about the child thing….

When we got marriage, the typical barrage of questions about when we are having kids happened. Dude quickly helped stop those questions by saying, “We will have kids when you remember we can actually have them”. I even remember a situation where I was standing up in front Marcin’s family, while they all sat on a white sofa as I explained why three years into being married I was not going to have kids. I remember one person saying, “but your own children’s poo smells so nice”. God, what poo ever smells like roses? The worst poo is from solid food.

My own side of the family were not interested in being grandparents too quickly. The conversation never really came up. Rather, whenever it did, the question of who will get to see the grandkids the MOST was the topic and biggest concern. My answer to that was, whoever has the most amount of time, energy, and was interested. I don’t have time for competition and nonsense like this. This is a village. Get along!

Getting back  to trying…….

I can’t say that we actually initially really tried, I think I just stopped freaking out about the lack of protection. It took me a while to get over the whole wriggling sperm idea but Dude was so incredibly patient and non-judgemental (so not a typical macho man style) that I was able to relax.

Even in this initial declaration. I started warming up to the idea. I had to learn to say the word “pregnant” and “babies”. Even through my work with Sabrina, I couldn’t wrap my head around this idea that it could be me.

Guilt

I could see myself with an older child, but a baby and a child under the age of five? I even felt bad for wanting to have my own kids as there were so many I was in touch with through my job who just needed love and attention that how could I possibly bring another child into this world when there were others out there who wanted parents?!

I had so many fears.

At one point I was so convinced we would have a child with a disability that I had looked for a clinic that would do a full genetic test before even conception. I was convinced it would be autism and that it was all because of dude’s genetic make-up. I think was more so channelling the fears of someone else who had said this to me. They shall remain anonymous. But that comment hit me and cut me like a knife. It exasberated my fears. I can still picture this conversation and my body reacts to it with a shortening of my breath.

Having a child is one of the most random facts we could ever do. EVER. There is no control. I had to figure out how to reconcile all of this.

Sabrina helped me see, that I needed to create my reality like some of the principles of Law of Attraction. What is that I really wanted? What reality did I want to create? Was I willing to create without attachments of the outcome?

Don’t stress the “how” of things. Let the Universe do it for you. When you take the Universe’s job of worrying about the “how”, this says you lack faith and that you’re telling the Universe what to do when the Universe has far greater knowledge and power than human mankind.

“The more I chose to believe that the things I wanted were coming my way, the better I would feel. The better I would feel, the more I was allowing and the more things would come to me. The more you see these things coming to you, the better you will feel and it’s an incredible avalanche of awesomeness. Truly believe and allow”.

What you don't want, wants you more, than you want it.

disability

It didn’t help that I worked with kids who had autism and saw what the rest of the world didn’t see.

In the world of disability and families I saw how the parents were crushed by the never-ending appointments and their children. We hope we are not that person.

In the world of services and schools, its OK to have a child with disability but not too disabled. 

The more I didn’t want this, the more I was creating this and making it my reality. I needed to allow for anything. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. 

By now you maybe thinking, if I was so anti kids then what happened this all so switched?

It’s the knowing that I have not met someone yet and the knowing that I have received through some messages through meditation that a soul has chosen me (us) to come back into physical form.

I truly believe that this soul is the spirit of my great-grandmother. She was a strong one. She got married when she was 20, in 1937. She was active in WWII, being a transfer station for solders and Jews who were escaping. She didn’t take sh*t from anyone. She was really close with my mom. She started showing up this year as a beetle in the most random places. Her name is Leokadja and I honour her.

Let anything that is supposed to show up, just SHOW UP.

A Lioness.

A strength of my great-grandmas flows through my veins.

She wants you to know that isn’t just great-grandma, she is Great Grandma

She gave me many gifts, like the gift of being an empath. Seeing and feeling more than just we see on a physical level.

Her spirit is Willing itself to this planet through me and its stronger than me. I choose to listen to my intuition and just surrender to this force. She has something to teach me. More than I can even anticipate.

My previous choices were based on fear mostly on loosing myself. I think that is what would have happened as I didn’t understand myself enough.

Now they are based on Listening to the Higher Self and Spirit.

 

My views on family 10 years ago

10 years ago

When I was getting married, the priest in the church, as is custom, took both parties individually aside and asked, if we wanted to have children. I told the Father, sure, but maybe not now please. One of the reasons a marriage can be annulled is if either the bride of groom doesn’t want to have a family or lied about it. Who would have known? At the time, I was 25, for this day in age, that was pretty young to get married. My actual views, that I didn’t divulge to the priest were that I was actually pretty anti-kids. Dude was well aware of my views, but I think he silently hopped that one day they might change. He didn’t know that would have taken so long and neither did I at the time.

Of those pregnant women

As a matter of fact, I remember standing in the kitchen having a conversation with a friend explaining to her how sorry I felt for pregnant women and how could they possibly put themselves in THAT kind of condition. I remember telling her that I couldn’t understand why a woman would choose to ruin her life-like that. Didn’t those women realize that they would be a slave to this child? My views on parenting and child rearing were pretty extreme. Apart from that, I was severely grossed me out that something moving (ie: a sperm) would go into me. Ewwwww!!!!

Working with little kids

The Universe and God is really funny. At the exact time that I had these extreme views, I quit my public relations/marketing job and decided that what I really wanted to do with my life is work in education. I tried getting into teachers college but decided against the degree and for some reason started working at a Montessori and last-minute signed up to do a Montessori Teacher Diploma. Thats right, I would end up working with little kids under the age of 5, precisely the kind of kids I didn’t want to work with. I ended up working in Montessori and in early childhood for almost three years.

What I learned while a Montessori Teacher.

“Help me by helping me to learn to do it by myself”. 
Little kids are actually little adults but the only people that get their way are adults.
  1. Little kids are very capable, except because of fear and hyper-sensitve parenting style that dominate our society now, we, adults put limits on our kids. At the Montessori, the kids got to do what they really desired, which was cleaning up, working with glass, working with sharp objects. I became an adopter of “free range parenting” and ordered chaos in the development of kids.

2. I learned about child development and found out I actually liked being around those snotty three-year olds. I also found out that 2 and 4 year olds were my favourite ages.

3. I learned adults are way to quick to clean up the messes of children, because we have time constraints and kids don’t.

For example, a kid during lunch one time deliberately looked me in the eye, took his plate and threw his food on the floor. Given any other environment, we, the adults would have cleaned up after this child.The teacher handed the child a rag and said, “clean it up”. It was an agonizing hour to watch this child clean up after themselves. Going from tears, to a melt down, to everything in between. Finally after an hour this 2 year old child cleaned up after himself. Did he do it again? Never.

Meeting parents

I met so many parents during this time and watched some parents be incredibly overwhelmed by their kids. I realized that the parents needed more teaching than the kids. I held so many parent’s hand to simply let their child put on their own shoes and jackets.

I also finally started meeting parents who genuinly enjoyed their kids and their company. As up to that point I had met people who resented what their kids had done to their lives. How else was I supposed to view kids if thats all that I heard?

I’m grateful to all the teachings of those parents and their kids. Their kids are now at least 8-10 years old. I’m so happy to have been part of life for some time and that the kids and their parents taught me great lessons about myself and the world of parenting.

Spiritual intervention

Three years ago is really when I rediscovered spiritualty. I’ll write more indepth about this but this was another awakening. Working with my mentor (Sabrina Hearsong) I discovered all these beliefs I had about kids and having kids really orginated from what I had percieved as the truth as a child. As children we re-interpret traumatic situations that happen to us and because we don’t have the words to express them we make these traumatic situations as our childhood truths they have a direct impact on our adult life. In unraveling these childhood imprints so much came up. I saw where my attitude towards family, love, attachment, commitment, love of Self and so many other things came from.

This spiritual release of all these childhood attachments and healings came as an enomous relief but also it meant redefining my views on everything and as well how I saw myself as a woman, mother and parent.

I equated having children with divorce. That they ruin marriages and partnerships. That women totally loose themselves and forget who they are. This was my understanding of what children meant and I would do everything to make sure that I wouldn’t have kids so my marriage would’t fall apart. I was also under no circumstances willing for a child take my independence away.

What happened to me, is that I had to grow up and understand that really I would never be the same with a child. Its a hard job that is sometimes is thankless. But the work for me on my spiritual journey couldn’t be complete without having little people in my life.

Now.

After years and years of working on me, everything has come to this moment. The complete surrender of Self in the act of having a child and becoming a parent. I’m scared but  I’m ready, emotionally, physically and spiritually. There could be no better time than now, had it happened any time earlier, the Universe knew I wasn’t ready.