Fertility Anonymity: Why I use an anonymous name for twitter and blog.

A funny thing happens when you write so publicly about infertility, from the beginning you have to decide whether you are going to be fully out there with your name attached to all your social media, or if you are going to create a separate profile. I knew I didn’t want people to be able to easily search my real name on google and have it as a first hit on a search. If you do some digging, you’ll be able to find out who I really am.

I know I didn’t want people, especially employers to figure out to quickly through a search my real name as I knew this blog would be going out into the world. Being semi-anonymous also gives me moments when I don’t need to share with everyone all the time what is happening between my legs at all times. Being out there so much doesn’t mean I necessarily get comfort, it means I’m constantly educating.

Here are the top three reasons why I’m (semi) anonymous and call myself Eva Braveheart.

  1. EMPLOYERS. I am starting to look for work in the city I live in. Currently, my work is 1.5 hrs away and it’s actually hurting my health. When I was speaking with one employer I heard them saying exasperatedly that they need to cover a mat leave. They sounded really annoyed by this fact.

If this employer googled me and found my real name next to fertility treatments, it felt like I would have been then less likely to get a job. What employer wants to cover a mat leave? In Canada I can now take Mat leave for 1.5 years, of which one year is paid, the last 6 months are not paid. Mat leaves are expensive for employers as they need to keep your job for you. In Canada, the employer is obligated to keep the job for you guaranteed for the duration of the legal mat leave time, 1.5years.

Mat leaves are expensive and annoying to employers. They are inconvenient, especially to the smaller organization.

What does this say about how much employers actually support mothers with children?

I remember being in a job interview and stating I don’t have kids so I’m very flexible. All the folks in the room nodded in what seemed to be in approval. You could see bubbles above thier heads that said, “good she can stay at work longer, no PA days, no sick kid days”. Definitely not having children in the working world is an advantage. That says to me, having children is a liability to an employer and that we have not yet worked through family friendly environments in society.

Have you been fortunate enough to find an employer that was supportive? 

Can you imagine an employer saying, of course, I’ll hire you, of course, you can have as much time as you need off for all your appointments at the fertility clinic, and why of course I’ll hire you and then look forward to not having you work for another year because you’ll be on mat leave.

2. SENEGENCE Cosmetic Business.
Have you heard of Lipsense?

I fell into this business and it was actually the best thing that happened to me. I got a different focus and had the opportunity to play. Direct sales aren’t about selling, it is about self-development. I’ve been working on me for a while through various things such as Landmark, Conscious loving, life coach and so on. It’s been great to have this other baby to develop. I’ve now coached and mentored 12 lovely ladies who are really blooming.

I decided to do this direct sales business not just because I love the cosmetics but I also saw it as a way to create another stream of income. My goal is to generate enough on going income from commissions to use the savings towards fertility treatments or adoption.

If you would like to support me come and check out the amazing cosmetics. Now I would like it here, but there would just delete the anonymous part, right?!

By choosing to semi-anonymous also allows me to control my message and why my customers see.

3. The world.

In the age where anyone can find who I am by just googling me, I honestly don’t want spam phone calls or email about what we are going through. In an era where all our information is sold, this is something I don’t want to be sold.

Lastly, there is some comfort in knowing that you who are reading this are getting to know parts of me but at the same time there is some space between us. Sometimes we just need to hide about this issue and not talk to anyone about it even thought I have invited you in.

I do encourage you to share your story, its not told enough.

xoxo

Soul and Infertility

 

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Adoption vs infertility 

I’ve put a big toe into exploring adoption, specifically, foster to adopt. I’ve talked to one person in great depths about it and what stood out is you can stop the adoption process at any time. I joke, that once you are prego, there really is not going back, while in adoption there is.

I pushed adoption aside completely when I committed myself totally towards fertility and the clinic. Since I’m in a pause moment till the next appointment at the end of September with no frosties left, I allowed myself to peek in and see, ask questions. I mean, if I can go through IVF and a mental breakdown then adoption should be a walk in the park. Lol 😂.

To be truthful I’ve always thought about adoption, but I thought about doing it after having my own first. Working in mostly the educational and social services sector, I’ve seen a lot and learned a lot about kids and met kids going through real shit situations.
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I’ve pictured adoption of an older child, because first they hardly ever get a chance (to be adopted) past baby stage and second I just really love 6 year olds. I’ve always seen myself with an older child.

Given some inspiration by my sister in law who has both adopted and foster to adopted, I have some guidance in this area, but she is in Europe. Things are a little different there.
Nearing four years on this fertility journey, with this year being the most intense, I’m looking to explore and ask questions about adoption.

Before we do more hormones, before I do more IVF, before all that, I want to explore. Perhaps the sequence of events can be different?

I never wanted adoption to be something that I did because everything else didn’t work out, I think adoption should come from a space of love, instead of lack of options.
Still though, with all the info at my finger tips and people I can ask, there is fear about adoption.  What about?

  • fear about the trauma a child may have and can we handle it
  • fear of rejection from the child
  • what if they have a disability that I don’t know how to handle
  • can we do this financially
  • plus so many more biases that I know I have that I would be willing to work through..

These are all the questions people DON’T ask when they just get pregnant and start their family.

Info about adoption in Ontario:

1. Foster to adopt. 

These are kids that landed in the system; for the sake of simplicity we can call them Children’s Aid’s kiddos (there are many agencies). I have worked with parents when kids were already placed. I have also worked intensively with one foster mom who had adopted. I helped with transitioning the kids into the foster home. I also gave parents developmental tips on what to expect with the child.

With this process, it’s a public adoption, therefore technically “free”. There can be “baggage” that comes with this type of adoption. It really depends on the situation the child is coming from. For example, a child can be put in the system because their parents died in a car accident and there is no other family in Ontario.

This type of foster to adopt model is done by Ontario because they wanted to ensure that when the kids are placed, they actually had a family and were not being moved around. From what I understand there are temporary foster homes but most of them have been converted to foster to adopt. This is great for the kids, as it gives them more stability.

In this process at all times in the drivers seat. At any point in time you say you can back out and say, “no thank you, I don’t want to be a foster to adopt parent”. The key to this is taking the PRIDE training. In that training your values believes and everything are questioned and everything is taken into account. The agency wants to make sure that that child a place with you actually fits with you.

P.R.I.D.E stands for Parent Resources for Information, Development and Education. The P.R.I.D.E Foster/Adopt Pre-Service Training Program is a training program for prospective foster and adoptive parents and is a model for the development and support of resource families.

We are exploring taking the PRIDE training because it’s valid for three years. After the training you can say to the agency I want to pause and go back to fertility treatments OR conclude that this type of adoption isn’t for you. The key with any adoption process is to start sooner than later because everything takes a really long time similar to fertility treatment.

In the public system you are basically guaranteed a child and you know you are making a difference in a child’s world. Isn’t that what parenting is all about?

Again, if we were to actually fully commit to this process, I would be looking at taking a child from 5 to 10 years old. I’m actually much more comfortable with that age group then babies or toddlers even though I worked in ECE.

2. Private adoption Ontario

Here you have two options, local and international. These are also done through an agency and cost anywhere from $20,000 -$40,000. Sounds like two rounds of IVF with a better guarantee of a child then IVF. From I understand, you need to make a profile which sits on a database. In private local, a birth mom chooses you. I’m not sure, but from what I’ve been explained, this process is a lot more passive. You don’t really have an influence as to when an adoption will come through. Please tell me if I’m wrong, again I have not talked to any agency about private adoption, this is what I’ve heard from my two hour conversation with the foster to adopt Mom.

The thing is with any adoption that they don’t want you to be doing any fertility treatments while you’re going through the process. You need to commit to that training at the time and not simultaneously be doing fertility treatments. Make sense.

Lasting impressions from the conversation with Foster to Adopt mom

Before becoming to a foster to adopt parent they were trying to get pregnant for 8 years. She said she always imagined decorating a room and having time (even for the foster kids) to give them a Pinterest room. Raise your hand if you think of a Pinterest when you think of a baby your child’s room ✋.

I think the most humbling part of the conversation was when the foster to adopt mom spoke how she had 72 hours to get her space ready for two twins and a 12-year-old. Going from zero kids to three. She (and her husband) didn’t have much for the kids when they arrived but was pumped and emotionally ready.

When the kids came, the 12-year-old slept on a mattress on the floor and the two twins had to cribs given to them by an agency. And that’s it. Someone gave them clothing for the kids. All that the children really needed and wanted was to know that they were safe.

It was such a humbling statement, that I really can’t get it out of my head. How much stuff we buy for children for that Pinterest room!

Whats next?

I think what I’ll do next is contact a private and public agency and see. The next PRIDE training is in October and costs $1300.

Believe it or not husband is very excited at the prospect of being a foster to adopt dad.
If I’m very truthful, I think I’ve always imagined myself with older children versus little ones. Maybe that is why people walking around babies or being pregnant in front of me doesn’t really affect me. I adore being around 4 year-olds and five-year-olds……..while the Littles just drive me nuts.

I’ll enter this lair of exploration and adventure and keep you updated. I still would love to do another round of IVF but I don’t know if I can stomach it. With the last transfer I had itchiness so bad that I basically wanted to scratch my crotch off and that’s an understatement. This was the effect of the hormones I had. The IVF retrieval threw me off my feet, as I had a bad reaction. Being on hormones for months definitely did a number on my body.

Fertility treatments, it’s like going to casino, inserting $20,000 and hoping to get something in return. At least in the adoption process, I know I can be making a difference in a child’s life.

I am in the process of exploring and being in the state of curiosity about adoption.