We got a puppy and infertility still managed to make its presence known.

For a few months I’ve been wanting a new dog. I wasn’t set on a puppy specifically but just another being in our house. I started to look into rescues because I actually didn’t want to go through the puppy stage again. Our 7 year old dachshund had just hit half her life span and I was starting to get super reflective about what had transpired in the last 7 years.

7 years ago we both had bought cars with the thought of family. We had made sure that one was going to be a small car and another with the potential of lots of storage, a carseat and a stroller. We are now 4 and 6 months away of from paying off both cars. 

7 years ago I had just finished my post graduate degree from a college, my how time flies.

7 years ago I got a union job and the first thing I look up with their mat leave bonuses. I am probably about to leave this union job and have had such a hard time quitting. I finally understand it has to do with letting go of this thought and this bonus.

7 years ago I was 32 and still very much under that 35 mark of the peak of fertility. At age 35 your fertility goes south and your chances to natural are even more reduced.

7 years ago I remember that day when I wondered where I will be in 7 years. I am still searching. Still wondering. Still trying to find me. I thought I would have had this shit figured out by now. I am only two years away from 40 and somehow that 60 years is not as far away as it was before. I am more aware than ever that in 5 years from now my husband will be 50 and we would have been married for 19 years. At 19 years people have teenagers.

Hubby was against having a second dog. I knew that this would be a good thing and had been applying gentle relentless pressure for 6 months. He had every reason why we shouldn’t do it and I in my head I agreed with him on every point but never said I agreed out loud because then it would be game over. No second dog. I had to tread lightly.

Finally, a family member’s dog had puppies. Toy poodles. Not the ideal dog for our lifestyle but the thought of giving this puppy to a family that we didn’t know killed me and hubby as well. I also saw that my 7 year old dog was slowing down and was really showing signs of one child syndrome. Sleeping a lot and just getting needy. This was it. We were going to take this toy poodle. There were 5 in that were born and we took the male and the second to largest one.

The decision really came down to hubby deciding right before we were leaving to pick up the puppy. We had the privilege of seeing the puppies grow up from the moment they were born. Whenever hubby pick up our puppy the smile on his face just made me melt and the amount of joy the puppy brought him was really noticeable. Logically, it was crazy taking a second. How would we ever do canoe trips? A toy poodle in a canoe trip thats crazy, a hawk would eat him. Poodles get more dirty and they require grooming. The conversations we had about taking the second dog sounded like the decision to have a second child or not (minus the hawk part). More responsibility, more distraction more time, more coordination.

Its funny because even like with a second child we did zero prep for the second dog. With the first one I think I read three books and watch a ton of Youtube videos on how to train a dog. I knew everything there was to know about training a dog. I had bought all the toys and everything. I just see the parallels in so many ways. The first dog go so much attention and the second we are so chill and not stressed about now that he is with us.

I think I promised everything from the moon and back to have this puppy come home to us. I knew we needed new life in our house to bring more joy. I also didn’t want the dog sold, I wanted him to stay in the family.

We picked up the puppy on a Friday when he was 10 weeks old and over the weekend took respite in all his little things. We didn’t leave the house. It was like coming home from the hospital and just gazing at this tiny creature.

Finally, I did the announcement of course on social media. First on Instagram, because thats safe. Nobody I really know sees it there and then on Facebook. So far its received about 80 “likes” and almost the same amount of comments of congratulations.

This is what I wrote:

After months of debating if we should have another, we are happy to announce the arrival of our new baby boy 👦. Welcoming to our pack is Misio (said: Meesho aka Teddy). 

Mom and Dad are doing great and are well on their way to toilet training Misio outside three days post coming home. 

What an exciting way to start the year!

He is a Toy Poodle 🐩 from mother in laws doggie. 

All puppies have gone to the closest family and none were sold.#yourbeautyblooming

After that I sat down on my kitchen floored and cried. I think I realized in that moment what that post and puppy represented. I unknowingly was filling a hole. I didn’t realize it until this stupid social media announcement. Its how people announce the birth of their new baby. The one month mark, the two month mark etc. They said, “mom and dad are doing great”. This could be the closest I could ever get to announcing the expansion of my family, instead of two legs its four.

Is it another distraction? Possibly. We have not resolved what we are going to do next with fertility. I can’t imagine being 50 and not having one child. I just can’t. It scares the living day light out of me. Its just not possible and its just so unjust and so unfair. This whole baby making affair is supposed to be free. The puppy was free.

Bear at 10 weeks old

The triggers are starting to pop up for me more and more. Even watching a stupid comedy with Robin Williams where a family goes on an RV trip together to bond was a trigger.

We are looking to do a year long trip in an RV and looking at the options and possibilities. I’m watching these you tubers who are full time RVers go and live full time in an RV with their family.

While its true family life is messy and not pink with roses but life isn’t supposed to be all beautiful. Life is messy and complicated.

After this announcement of the puppy, I felt so incredibly emotionally raw. Thankfully it was my day off and a drowned myself in mindless Netflix videos. It just hit me hard, again. That trauma part of brain took over and stayed there for a day like a cloud.

I think if money wasn’t a factor I don’t think I could do a pregnancy because it would be too much for me emotionally. If money wasn’t a factor I would do IVF again and surrogacy. I just wish it wasn’t that complicated.

So there you have it. A simply social media post about us getting a new puppy, which is a really joyful event sucked me back to infertility. Its an awful thing because it fucking never goes away. I don’t think about this, but its always beneath the surface.

I am really happy that we have another dog and he will bring us so much joy, I just need to navigate this part all over again.

The day we brought Bear home.

#toypoodle #infertility #socialmediapost #7yearitch #seconddog

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