In the process of going through infertility, we discover our humanity. There is more to the process than just creating a baby, in this process we need to find out what IS life. What is our “why”?
I stopped going to the clinic at the end of March after my tests to determine the ideal timing to transfer the embryo. They were two biopsies (ERA and EFT). By the time I got the second test done, I was running to the car to get out of there. My infertility has been out of my mind since then, reducing it to a fleeting thought. I have managed to forget how intense it was (even though my body remembers). Less than a month and a half ago, I was a total mess and working through a mental health crisis. I was utterly and completely out of balance. We strive to maintain evenness, to be happy from the moment we wake up until we go back to sleep. I had lost joy in the small things. Balance, integration, harmony, stability, equilibrium, steadiness, oneness, symmetry. I need time to rebalance and have time to heal my body and my mind.
I stopped going because everything in my body was screaming to STOP. Initially, out of fear, I didn’t want to stop. The thoughts driving this were, “maybe just this month ‘it” would work”. My body was so stressed with my thoughts that my organs were shutting down. Completely counter-productive. I finally listened to my intuition and said stop to everything, all the treatments, the needles, the hormones, the acupuncture and it felt damn good. Over the last month, I don’t remember the last time I woke up and thought, “fertility”.
What else felt damn good was when I had a conversation with my employer and I asked that we continue my leave. I can’t tell you how much anxiety just fell away with the knowledge that I didn’t need to worry about needing to go back and drive in traffic 3hrs everyday. There is the worry about finances, but this too shall pass and everything will be ok. The Universe has my back.
I needed to figure out what I wanted in life and make that a priority. “I have the power to change my circumstances because I have the power to change how I think“. I needed to reset all of the four quadrants in my life
My body was out of balance.
Six weeks ago I started going to Coach Calum. He runs, “The Canadian Personal Training Academy”. I wrote a little about this in a previous post, but 7 weeks in, I’m amazed at the results. Calum, unlike any other personal trainer, does what he calls, “the unsexy” stuff. He is highly technical and I can’t believe I’ve become his BIGGEST fan. He is the one that pointed out that my BODY was OUT OF BALANCE from an old back injury that happened over 8 years ago. My body and my muscles learned to move out of synch, one side over compensating but you wouldn’t know it looking at me.
Coach Calum, put me on this box and told me to slowly step down, first on the left and then on the right. On one side of my body, I was able to totally control my movement, my balance and step down, on the left side, I couldn’t catch my balance after I was down an inch. My mind was blown, still blown that he saw this. We’ve been working to rebalance my body and reactivate muscles that have forgotten to move, to move. Its hard, as I often need to really pause, and wait till my brain rewires and fires the signal to a particular muscle to fire. This is part of my finding balance in life with infertility.
My nutrition was out of balance. Husband pulled me in and we started reading a book called, “The Brain Fog Fix: Reclaim Your Focus, Memory, and Joy in Just 3 Weeks“, by Dr. Dowe. Husband has always complained about being tired, feeling like his brain was off and had a hard time concentrating. When I was in my mental health crises I turned to carbs and chocolate, sugar and more sugar. Having read this book and looking back, I know that the food I ate just helped me fall further and further into my black hole.
One of the main arguments in his book is that we as a society are out of balance and the reason we are so tired, depressed (and I argue infertile) is because of our bad nutritional habits and being out of balance in our mind, body, and soul. We’ve read this book and I’m not kidding, it has changed our lives. What he writes make sense and what is different from all other books that I’ve read about diet and nutrition, is that he writes from a psychotherapy perspective where he also discusses spirituality. This is exactly what I’ve been looking for, a formula I can follow to rebalance all quadrants of our life. Dr. Dowe has a 21-day formula that can be followed and Husband and I are committed to try it out.
I’ve been experimenting with a few tidbits of Dr. Dowe’s formula and have observed how much food and nutrition actually have an effect on my mood and mental health. I discussed that with all the drugs that are given during fertility treatments can only cause a significant amount of stress on the whole system. It would only make sense that to support fertility, nutrition would need to be a big focus. I’ve also written, that the clinic doesn’t pay attention to this major detail.
I’m curious how I would feel if I followed his formula for 21 days.
Wealth: What I’m up to create wealth?
In this area, I feel like I’m in the middle of changing careers and figuring it out. It’s now time to take that paycheque into my own hands and try my hand at entrepreneurship. It has is been a challenge and changing careers after doing the same thing for a while has even harder. I’ve decided to something that scares me and I became a distributor with Lipsense, Senegence.
It’s no secret that fertility treatments cost in the thousands, so we are looking for more streams of income to cover the costs.
Husband and I had to reset our relationship because it too was off balance. We were both diving into electronics to escape the emotional side of infertility. I can see how some people end up in a divorce. This is hard, but I think it will just prepare us more for parenthood that is even harder, as I hear its even harder. The trip to Halifax highlighted all the things were not being talked about and there was a lot that needed to be reset. I was out of touch. Life was boring and nothing new was happening except fertility treatments. It showed me again, the cloak of infertility and how this too seeped through the cracks of my relationship.
If we know our “why”, then we will know our “how”.
How do we expand more in all the quadrants? What are our goal, dreams, and passions? Here too I felt like I was thrashing trying to grab onto something. I just couldn’t figure out what that something was. For me, it’s usually a feeling and I have a hard time putting it into words. It meant going back to the basics, looking at “what was my love language”.
Spirituality and Spirit
Since we intensively started going to the clinic over 10 months ago now, we realized there is no soul in the clinic. I realized there is a difference between a “mind-full” and being “mindful”. Deep into the clinic, my mind was full of just thoughts of infertility, blood work, and the next appointment. Now thanks to Dr. Dowe’s book and my support group, I’ve started practicing being mindful of my food, my breath, and my thoughts.
I also got the opportunity to go on a 10-day silent retreat in June and are looking forward to it. A friend of mine said I’m brave to be able to just be in my own mind and my thoughts. I think this is such an incredible gift, just to be one with Self and face my own demons. This will happen after the conclusion of my 6-week support group that focuses on mindfulness and after we would’ve completed Dr. Dowe’s 21-day plan.
The good news
When I went to treatment for acupuncture after a pretty awesome chat with a potential short-term gig, Tanya felt my pulse and my body and said, that she has not seen or felt my body running so well in a long time. Which to me means that I made the right choice to stop all treatment, focus on actually relaxing, destressing, watching my nutrition and forging on a new path.
This fertility stuff has numbed joy from many things. I’m consciously rebalancing it all. Recognizing this, I’m making an effort to little things to remind me of what is the life I wish to create (for myself and my family) and what is my purpose actively engaging all of my senses and all of the quadrants of life. Instead of being a victim to my circumstances, I am actively moving forward and creating my dynamic vision.
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