My friend Patricia. I’m sorry.

When I met Patricia almost four years ago, I saw her as a career women who was wasting away her life by just staying at home. To me the real women were those that were out there in the world working and being independent. I was taught, never ever EVER be dependant on a man and always have your own career. So far, I have managed this (apart from three years when I was career transitioning). Patricia has twins. When I first met her I had a feeling that there was more to the story of her kids than just met the eye. Still, I saw her as an example of a woman who didn’t, “Lean In”.  

When I met Patricia, the idea of fertility treatments were not really formulated and if you had told me I was about to be preparing for IVF, I would have told you that you were crazy, that I would have never be doing such a thing.

I didn’t understand at the time when Patrica said to me, “I worked this hard to have my children, and at the end of mat leave I decided not to go back. If I had worked so hard to have them, whey should anyone else be taking care of them other than me?”

Remember that I was still in the mind set that women who had kids were in the process of ruining their lives. While I was warming up to the idea of children, I was adament about the fact that I would under no circumstances be allowing them to change how I worked. I would always have a career and job and benefits and run a company and….and…..and….

I never understood when someone close to me said, “You need to really choose what is important to you. Having children is a sacrifice, so what are you willing to let go of?”. My answer, nothing. I wanted to let go of nothing.

I understand Patrica now.

My new found reality is that I AM WORKING HARD to have this child. My child. Our child. I have worked on myself spiritually releasing and letting go of so much. Surrendering. Not resisting. Allowing.

I’m so sorry Patricia for having judged you so harshly. I critiqued your choice of staying home. I did North American society does, not recognizing the work that goes into parenting and kids. Not recognizing what kind of choice you actually did. I get it. I totally get how hard you worked to have your kids. The amount of patience it takes to go through all of this. How committed one must be to do fertility treatments. I’m doing it now. Thank you for always being so open about being there.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The Impact of Patricia

Patrica has shared many things with me. She has also helped Dude and I have more in-depth conversations about how he is feeling about this whole IVE process. She doesn’t even know she has done this but now she will know.

Patricia doesn’t know that her calmness and strength just help me believe that IVF works. She gets all the moving parts of this process.

There is no else I could ask for during the time of the transfer to be there. I can’t even describe it, but its this unbreakable belief.

You are a star Patrica.

Published by Soul and Fertility

The journey to fertility has been a long one. The journey to fertility started with the awakening that mothering is something that I wanted to do and experience. Adding children to the mix of me started with the awakening of my soul and little by little got stronger. It took a lot of work, healing old childhood beliefs and understanding where the original thought of being so against came from. I was never that little girl who wanted kids or dreamed about the white gown. I didn't see and don't believe my self worth was wrapped around family and children. Its taken a long time to grow up and realize that there are little souls who I have not met yet that have chosen me to come back in physical form so I have expand even further on my whole soul and life purpose. I was the one who thought pregnancy would be easy, just stop using protection and less then three months it would happen. It didn't. This is the whole story of how I got from feeling sorry for women that were pregnant (because I thought they were ruining their life) to the place where I not having children of my own is something I couldn't imagine not doing.

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