New job started Sept. 2015
Retreat took place Oct. 2015
Inner Journey Intensive
This blog is a little tricky to write because it deals with my employment but its essential to the current journey and outcome. I want to pre-empt this post and say that all these emotions happened at the start and do not necessarily express how I feel right now.
In August 2015, I was coming back from a dream vacation. As I sat there deeply connected to nature and everything around me, I asked the Universe the question, “Ok Universe, whats next”. The result of that question turned my world upside down in ways I couldn’t have even expected. It was in many ways a test and a final pull towards what is happening right now in the journey towards mothering and IVF. If you are not serious about what is next, honestly, don’t ask the question as the Universe will give it you.
If you have heard this story from me before, you can skip ahead a bit, but if not, keep reading. Next thing I know I get a text message from the coordinator at work who I have not talked in months as we got the summer off (unpaid). She said there is a new position that I should apply for and that I need to send my resume right away. I’m sitting at that point in the airport with nothing but my phone and my resume is on my computer on the other side of the country. I totally wasn’t interested in a new position and neither was I looking for one.
If you are not ready to change jobs don’t do it. I learned that you need to be mentally ready to separate from the job. I loved my job and was willing to drive to it 1.15min every day. I loved everything about it.
I relented and finally said I would send in my resume but honestly I really didn’t want to. Within a couple of days, I got an interview and then a follow-up phone call. The thing is that before they offered me the position I cried uncontrollably for three days. I had hoped that they wouldn’t give me the position so I wouldn’t need to make a decision and go anywhere. I grew up at this job. Yes there was bullying going on but management was amazing and I was so respected throughout the college. I still miss it to this day.
When they finally gave me the position, I cried again. I was so sad and I didn’t want to go anywhere.
If you are crying uncontrollably for three days before a major decision, perhaps it’s not time yet to change.
I consulted a few people and then I consulted one final person who at the end of the phone call I decided that will take the new position said, “Good, you are finally growing into adulthood”. At the time I didn’t know what she meant. I think what it actually meant, was my final ascent into this journey of where I am at the present moment as presently I’m shedding and walking through to another life. This life is not one I’ll be coming back to.
We can’t always see what others see about our future.
Three things that happened at the new job:
ONE: Lets be frank, my first six months of this job were gonzo strenuous hard. I don’t remember being so stressed. I was also now driving 1.5 hours one way and sometimes up to 2 hours back because of traffic. I can’t really go into how I felt about them during that time are things that can only be written a private journal or over coffee and I still want my benefits. Within a week, I regretted my decision about leaving and I even tried to go back to my old job. I don’t know how I managed to survive beyond my six months but somehow I’m still there and every so grateful everyday for the benefits.
TWO: I had to stop all fertility treatments that I had planned for myself for September of 2015. That wasn’t too bad as I initially took on the attitude that this was my opportunity to show the clinic that I didn’t really need them. I was also super stressed and gained weight.
THREE: I went to the Inner Journey Retreat in October, one and half months after I started the job. There is a distinct before I went to Inner Journey attitude I had towards the job and post Inner Journey attitude.
What happened during The Inner Journey Retreat.
I went to the retreat with a know it all attitude. Seriously, sometimes I wonder about myself. I told them that the reason I was there was because I wanted to reach another level of enlightenment of some bullshit like that.
The retreat and the way its set up was amazing.
Its five men and five women supported by 6 facilitators and at least 40 volunteers supporting the ten participants. It was a love fest of epic porportions. Their intent is for you have a transformational journey. The men and women were separated for two of the three days. It was made for sense of bonding. I didn’t allow myself to fully be in all the exercises because it would have meant that all these people would have – seen me. I still keep people at a distance, because a part of my childhood imprints is that everyone eventually leaves so it’s not safe to be fully vulnerable.
On the very last day of the retreat, I finally realized what was going on with me. Why was I so angry at the world and at the job.
As it came my turn to talk something came over me and I started to cry. I bellowed out like a hurt animal and realized what happened.
I blamed work for making me give up my plans to start fertility treatments and the start of my family.
I had waited so long to do this and now I had to delay again.
Since I was driving toward the Kitchener -Waterloo area everyday, it was impossible to go to the clinic at 7am and still make it in time. At least when I was driving to Peterborough I didn’t have to face traffic. I knew if I finished an appointment at 8am I could make it in for 9:15am. Now this was impossible going the other direction. Leaving Toronto at 8am meant an hour and half drive.
When I think of this moment, my heart goes back there and it tears me up.
Is this why I was crying before I left my other job? The one that I loved and adored. My coordinator at my old job under estimated how much I loved my work. I had a lot of freedom there.
I cried and cried in that spiritual circle and all my vulnerabilities just spilled out. No more mask. Another shift happened on that retreat. Another nudge and a shedding of a skin.
When I went back to work after the retreat, I felt I was a new person. I was buzzing for three days and it felt like I had a double skin. Anything anyone said I had no reaction. I was so much at peace.
I had wanted a “spiritual awakening” at the retreat. I had no idea that my awakening was going to look completely different from I had expected.
Trust in the Universe to provide, but the HOW is up to IT.