The very first cycle

First cycle occured: Nov-Dec. 2014.

No one understands how fertility clinics work till you’ve gone to one. I could explain to you till I’m blue in the face but you won’t get how it feels to sit in waiting room bursting with women of all ages and ALL paths who are waiting for their internal ultrasound to be done and their blood to be taken. You can try, but I forgive you that you won’t really understand. Its a place the only people who have gone understand.

After the first fertility appointment I agree that I should do a monitored cycle. I stipulated that is must be non-medicated as what I wanted was from this cycle was….information….about me! I wanted a baseline. The clinic of course was very keen on jumping ahead and giving me medication.

After my first three ultra sound appointments and blood work, I came home PHYSICALLY SICK. I felt drained, exhausted as if someone had taken all my energy out of me through that ultra sound. My brain was so against getting tested that it reacted physically. Its amazing the mind body connection. We don’t give credit to our mind-body connection enough.

What was happening was I was taking on all those other women’s desperation.

What was happening was that I was allowing myself to be a victim to the clinic.

What was happening was my mind and body were off. One was saying on thing and the other way saying something else.

I needed to take my POWER back and decide that I will not take on anyone else’s energy and I will make it my choice to be going to the clinic. After I realized what was going on, I stopped being physically ill after being at the clinic and I centred myself. I knew I could go on as I had chosen. I made sure to shield myself from the energies of others as well.

I realized there was nothing “wrong” with me and that even though I was going to a doctor and doing these medical tests, I had a choice of how I perceived my reality. I was not a victim to these tests.

This first cycle I went through the whole process, I remember it a bit of a blur, but I remember that morning crowd and the good Doctor D. telling me she thinks I have PCOS (*Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) except I’m the skinny type.

I remember it being December. We were planning to drive to Atlanta to visit Sol and I walk in in the morning and the doctor took my little ultra sound paper and he looked at my excitedly and said, “I think you’ve ovulated”, let me give you a drugs to help trigger everything.

I looked at him like he was crazy. I had said no drugs this cycle. For whatever reason I wasn’t ready yet to trigger a pregnancy. I was getting there but I wasn’t ready for the committment yet.

The doc. told me the clinic would call and let me know if I had ovulated on my own based on my blood work results. I think we were supposed to be going to Atlanta the next day.

The phone call came and the excited nurse said I didn’t need to come to the clinic because I had in fact done it all on my own. The instructions were to have have timed intercourse over the next three days.

I put down the phone and wondered if I should even tell Dude. What would happen if I didn’t tell him? Would he be mad at me if didn’t know but then found out. I finally decided to tell him and he shrugged and said, “Ok”. I have taught him over the years to show no excitment about any of this so he was tredding lightly.

It ended up being that I didn’t follow the instructions fully and didn’t end up getting preganant.

This was the last time that I would have ovulated on my own.

In many ways I regret not following through, but its ok. I wasn’t fully ready. My journey wasn’t complete yet. Now its complete. You are never ready, but in my case, there is a time where it feels right and aligned. Now is that time.

*Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a set of symptoms due to elevated androgens (male hormones) in women. Signs and symptoms of PCOS include irregular or no menstrual periods, heavy periods, excess body and facial hair, acne, pelvic pain, difficulty getting pregnant, and patches of thick, darker, velvety skin.

How do these appointments look like?

  1. Walk in, sign in with your health card
  2. Go to your prebooked ultra sound appointment and wait to be called. Most of these appointments are never on time due to the line up of women in front of you.
  3. All these appointments take place between 7-9am, this is called “cycle monitoring”, meaning they are monitoring your period cycle.
  4. The ultra sound technitican comes in and puts a condom on the wand that she inserts up your vagina to see what your uterus and ovaries are up to . They are looking to see if you are producing any eggs and how many. They measure them using the ultra sound. The eggs at this point are called follicles or also known as “follies”. 
  5. After this is done, you get a piece of paper that you are supposed to give to your doctor but first you need to get your blood taken. This needs to happen every time.
  6. Then back to the waiting room you go and now you wait your turn to be called to see the nurse or doctor so they can tell you when you need to come back.
  7. You may get a phone call the same day where they tell you based on your blood work you may come back earlier than stated or later.

You have ZERO control over all this as its all based on your body and rythms.

Another reason I was sick, is because I wanted to control all of this. Again, surrender was required.

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