The first visit to the doc.

After I think of a year of trying, or rather not being so diligent about not getting pregnant, we had gone for a routine check-up at our awesome family doctor, Dr. David S. I remember this being around May or June of 2014. He asked us every so casually about if we were thinking about children and if we were trying. Seeing that I was 32, perhaps I wanted to sign up and get a referral to the fertility clinic? I twisted my face and my stomach turned to knots, as there was no reason for me to see this clinic. I mean, I had technically been trying for really 6 months, and really, I wasn’t even trying. Full disclosure: I was point blank, for the first time in my marriage of 7 years doing it without protection. <>. I didn’t need a clinic! Nevertheless, good Dr. S. convinced me that a referral takes 6 months and that its better to get things “checked out” and get “information” about my cycle since my cycles could be anywhere from 35-50 days apart.

I agreed to the referral and thought nothing of it for 6 months.

November comes and the clinic day comes up.

I am at the time working Peterborough and The First Steps Fertility clinic is at Yonge and Sheppard. (Yes I was driving back forth to Peterborough everyday). Work makes a big deal out of me needing to take a sick day as the appointment is at 11am, which means I neither can drive in nor can I come after the appointment.

I panic. I call the clinic and for whatever reason I can’t speak to a secretary. I finally leave a a voicemail on the nurse’s line and beg for someone to call me because I need to change the date.

Clinic calls back and says, sure, I can change the appointment, but the next one will be in the spring time, in another 6 months. I remember wreastling with this, remember I didn’t even want to go to the clinic. Finally, Dude’s reason won. By going to the clinic we were just gathering information and that was about it. It somehow ended up that my manager, ended up being ok with me taking that sick day.

Day of appointment. Thoughts in my head.

“I’m just here for information, I’m just here for information, there is nothing wrong with me and I don’t need this clinic. I just need to understand my cycle and thats all I need them for”.

I’m prepared.

Before coming to the clinic I read that I was to have fasted for 12 hour before so I could get a bunch of blood tests. Feeling very proud of myself of this research I walked into the stark white clinic with white chairs, and white desks with some babies on the wall as trophies. In my head it was all just a false display of hope that this clinical way of getting pregnant actually worked.

The meeting of the doctor.

Really, Doctor Dickson is a fantastic visionary doctor. She sounds and feels like an authority on the subject of all things fertility. As she asked us a battery of questions, one of the best ones was when she turned to Marcin and asked, “Have you fathered a child with another woman before?”. She told us, that sometimes during this part of the appointment things can get awkward if the guy answers yes.

SIDE NOTE: Perhaps that is the real reason why with a martial secret couldn’t get pregnant. His soul has guilt about not being clean and open about his past. It just make so much sense why someone who has fathered a child in the past and never told their partner about it, couldn’t have kids. He couldn’t allow himself to it. END OF SIDE NOTE.

Ok anyway, I’m squirmming in my seat, because most couples come to the clinic ready to get their jingle on and delaration of, “I’m here to have kids”, I on the other hand had fully convinced myself that all I really needed from the clinic was to find out information about my ovulation cycle and then I could do it all on my own.

My views on IVF in 2014

Dr. D asks us what our thoughts are on IVF. I’m fully stood down the idea of IVF. I was on the thought that if I’m not supposed to have kids on my own, then its not supposed to be. Dude supports me in this  and says, “only natural baby for us”. At this point we didn’t even think that it would get to that and didn’t even want to even consider that this would be something we would need to consider.

I felt that if the Universe and the all mighty God of great miracles could create life, then I was not one to tinker with that.

My views were this strong because at the time I had seen what happens when IVF goes wrong and how many multiple babies were born at once because of IVF. The Government at the time was still not funding IVF cycles in Ontario so what most couples were doing was transferring back multiple embryos to increase their chances. I was what I saw as babies of IVF with disabilities and I for one was not going to be so desperate to have a baby with IVF.

I could do it on my own. (Ok, I needed dude too).

Dr. D impresses me.

When I expressed such huge reservations about IVF, Dr. D. told me she had been on the Ontario Government task force that was recommending and putting together a document where IVF would be funded. Dr. D. was against transferring of multiple eggs, rather more so for transfering one, and then going again with one if that didn’t take.

Oh? Really?

I think at that point, I trusted her.


Published by Soul and Fertility

The journey to fertility has been a long one. The journey to fertility started with the awakening that mothering is something that I wanted to do and experience. Adding children to the mix of me started with the awakening of my soul and little by little got stronger. It took a lot of work, healing old childhood beliefs and understanding where the original thought of being so against came from. I was never that little girl who wanted kids or dreamed about the white gown. I didn't see and don't believe my self worth was wrapped around family and children. Its taken a long time to grow up and realize that there are little souls who I have not met yet that have chosen me to come back in physical form so I have expand even further on my whole soul and life purpose. I was the one who thought pregnancy would be easy, just stop using protection and less then three months it would happen. It didn't. This is the whole story of how I got from feeling sorry for women that were pregnant (because I thought they were ruining their life) to the place where I not having children of my own is something I couldn't imagine not doing.

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