If you read my first post at the very bottom I describe a sort of spiritual awakening. It’s no coincidence that whist working with Sabrina Heartsong that the awakening of me thinking about that I could have a child with my husband entered my mind. I took one step forward and examined this with great curiosity. Full disclosure, up till this moment out of the fear of getting pregnant I never allowed any fun in the bedroom unless there was protection happening all the way around, although I have never in my life taken the pill. It was just all drug store protection.
Looking back now, it was that Christmas when dude’s family came from Europe when we one night giggling like children we cautioulsy declared to his family that starting from this Christmas we will start “trying” and with caution the family declared, “yay, congratulations”.
What family thought about the child thing….
When we got marriage, the typical barrage of questions about when we are having kids happened. Dude quickly helped stop those questions by saying, “We will have kids when you remember we can actually have them”. I even remember a situation where I was standing up in front Marcin’s family, while they all sat on a white sofa as I explained why three years into being married I was not going to have kids. I remember one person saying, “but your own children’s poo smells so nice”. God, what poo ever smells like roses? The worst poo is from solid food.
My own side of the family were not interested in being grandparents too quickly. The conversation never really came up. Rather, whenever it did, the question of who will get to see the grandkids the MOST was the topic and biggest concern. My answer to that was, whoever has the most amount of time, energy, and was interested. I don’t have time for competition and nonsense like this. This is a village. Get along!
Getting back to trying…….
I can’t say that we actually initially really tried, I think I just stopped freaking out about the lack of protection. It took me a while to get over the whole wriggling sperm idea but Dude was so incredibly patient and non-judgemental (so not a typical macho man style) that I was able to relax.
Even in this initial declaration. I started warming up to the idea. I had to learn to say the word “pregnant” and “babies”. Even through my work with Sabrina, I couldn’t wrap my head around this idea that it could be me.
I could see myself with an older child, but a baby and a child under the age of five? I even felt bad for wanting to have my own kids as there were so many I was in touch with through my job who just needed love and attention that how could I possibly bring another child into this world when there were others out there who wanted parents?!
I had so many fears.
At one point I was so convinced we would have a child with a disability that I had looked for a clinic that would do a full genetic test before even conception. I was convinced it would be autism and that it was all because of dude’s genetic make-up. I think was more so channelling the fears of someone else who had said this to me. They shall remain anonymous. But that comment hit me and cut me like a knife. It exasberated my fears. I can still picture this conversation and my body reacts to it with a shortening of my breath.
Having a child is one of the most random facts we could ever do. EVER. There is no control. I had to figure out how to reconcile all of this.
Sabrina helped me see, that I needed to create my reality like some of the principles of Law of Attraction. What is that I really wanted? What reality did I want to create? Was I willing to create without attachments of the outcome?
Don’t stress the “how” of things. Let the Universe do it for you. When you take the Universe’s job of worrying about the “how”, this says you lack faith and that you’re telling the Universe what to do when the Universe has far greater knowledge and power than human mankind.
“The more I chose to believe that the things I wanted were coming my way, the better I would feel. The better I would feel, the more I was allowing and the more things would come to me. The more you see these things coming to you, the better you will feel and it’s an incredible avalanche of awesomeness. Truly believe and allow”.
What you don't want, wants you more, than you want it.
It didn’t help that I worked with kids who had autism and saw what the rest of the world didn’t see.
In the world of disability and families I saw how the parents were crushed by the never-ending appointments and their children. We hope we are not that person.
In the world of services and schools, its OK to have a child with disability but not too disabled.
The more I didn’t want this, the more I was creating this and making it my reality. I needed to allow for anything. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender.
By now you maybe thinking, if I was so anti kids then what happened this all so switched?
It’s the knowing that I have not met someone yet and the knowing that I have received through some messages through meditation that a soul has chosen me (us) to come back into physical form.
I truly believe that this soul is the spirit of my great-grandmother. She was a strong one. She got married when she was 20, in 1937. She was active in WWII, being a transfer station for solders and Jews who were escaping. She didn’t take sh*t from anyone. She was really close with my mom. She started showing up this year as a beetle in the most random places. Her name is Leokadja and I honour her.
Let anything that is supposed to show up, just SHOW UP.
A strength of my great-grandmas flows through my veins.
She wants you to know that isn’t just great-grandma, she is Great Grandma
She gave me many gifts, like the gift of being an empath. Seeing and feeling more than just we see on a physical level.
Her spirit is Willing itself to this planet through me and its stronger than me. I choose to listen to my intuition and just surrender to this force. She has something to teach me. More than I can even anticipate.
My previous choices were based on fear mostly on loosing myself. I think that is what would have happened as I didn’t understand myself enough.
Now they are based on Listening to the Higher Self and Spirit.